Comments from 2003 Retreat Participants

We gathered together, apparent strangers at first, the light of Christ a soft glow cradled deep within our hearts. Guided by Paul's gentle, yet strong leadership we gradually and tentatively opened our hearts to let the love of our brothers and sisters in, and to bring the shadows of fear and pain into the healing light. As we shared our innermost fears, the wounded child in each one of us was held with care and blessed with the miracle of unconditional love and acceptance. As we listened deeply to each other, trust blossomed, and the bonds of intimacy grew stronger. What wonderful memories we will always have of our magical time together! We laughed and we cried, and we held hands to dance and sing. We took long walks together and marveled at the wondrous beauty of the mountain top. We shared delicious food, and delightful conversation. We gave each other scrumptious back massages, and big bear hugs. In stillness, we joined in prayer and meditation. By candlelight, we expressed heart-felt gratitude for the gifts we had received. We were lifted up with the joy of seeing the truth of Who We Are, and the gentle glow of Christ within our hearts became like a blazing fire, a fierce and all-encompassing love. Beloveds, we found each other again on the mountain top. We remember now that we have always been and will forever be, a family, one with all of our brothers and sisters, united in Christ. We are blessed in this remembrance. May this blessing shine upon all, through us. We thank you, Paul, for your beautiful books. We thank you for being a real and touchable messenger, and for guiding us in the way of the Affinity process. Your life is a gift, and we are grateful for the time we spent with you.

Lucy Sweetland

Having attended several Workshops over the years, I anticipated an environment with a strong charismatic figure leading and teaching attendants, sitting in chairs with the leader lecturing from the front. Instead, from the first moment arriving at the quiet Cooper Hill Inn and Paul greeting us as we drove in I sensed that this was very different.
   This gathering was about building community, a family, and Experiencing Unconditional Love and Forgiveness. We were a circle, all equals in this Life, for we brought ourselves to this Divine place. Paul was our wise older brother and he merely assisted us, often in silence, to see our own Divinity while allowing each of us to Be. We quickly joined in, each of us falling into Loving ourselves and each other. In gentle movement and soft angst, we grew and Experienced the Divine-ness of who we are and the
Divine-ness of others. For this I am most grateful and thank you ALL.

Becky Hall

For me the Retreat was transformational, but only because I was ready to transform.
Since my time on the mountain, I have been able to finally cut the cord with my wounded family, and a new family has been born - a new, healthy spiritual family of choice that gathers strength each day and truly nourishes me with real love and support. I am standing in the boots of my Truth - I am solid , whole free, and my core is unshakeable. When someone inevitably does something that triggers me, I BREATHE... then I feel the pain of it. I BREATHE into the pain and invite God in. I draw tremendous strength from the following words:
     "Forgiveness is the lesson whenever anyone attacks you. First, you forgive yourself. You tell yourself 'I am not bad or unworthy in any way, even though I have been attacked. It is not my fault. I do not deserve to be abused.' You learn to stand up for yourself. Then, you forgive the other person. You say: 'He didn't feel lovable either. he was expressing his self-hatred. If he loved himself, he could not possibly attack me. I can feel his pain, but I'm not responsible for it. He needs to take responsibility and learn to love himself. Then, he won't need to attack others.' With understanding and compassion, you release him. And in releasing him, you release yourself. "
(from The Living Christ, Conversations with a Teacher of Love by Paul Ferrini)
     This process is helping me so much to deal with stuff immediately as it comes up. To me, these words are a GOLDEN FORMULA for inner peace. Thank you, Jesus. I love myself so much! I am re-membering who I AM. I am standing in my power. This is a miracle.
In sacred union with myself, I no longer look to others to heal me or save me. I am opening to life in a completely new way. I am joining life instead of feeling separate. My seeing is clear. My love is true. An ocean of genuine joy swells inside my heart. My heart is happy. My life is my own. I am manifesting the life of my dreams. I am at peace.I am at one with my Self. I am the Beloved.
     Thank you so much, Paul my dear friend, and all my new Beloved friends who made our circle on the mountain such a beautiful and Holy healing.

Martha Magee

A Note from Paul

Thirty people gathered on our mountaintop in southern Vermont this year. Everyone was scared. No one knew what to anticipate. Some people came a long way: from Brazil, Germany, Canada California, Montana, Florida, Mississippi, indeed all over the U.S. Many people seemed to come with the idea that just by hanging out with me they would experience fireworks. Stephan, a tall young man from Germany, told me "I thought that you would just touch my shoulder and I would become enlightened."     
       It didn't take long for the new people to realize that I was just an "ordinary" human being. Of course, the folks returning from last year already knew this. But for the new people, it was a bit disconcerting. If I was just like them -- a human being learning to hold his doubts and fears compassionately -- why had they come to this mountaintop from so far away?   
       "Here, you can't hide," I told them. Of course they did not believe me. But as soon as we started meeting in our Affinity Groups it became clear that each person would be gently invited to drop his or her mask and become visible and vulnerable to everyone else. For some, this happened on the first day. For others it happened on the second or third day. But it was a universal experience. Each person discovered in his or her own way that when s/he told the truth -- even if there was pain, guilt, hurt, or confusion in it -- s/he was lovingly held and cherished by others.
     Indeed, the more deeply each shared, the more deeply each was held. In the process, the wounded child of our hearts began to deeply and profoundly understand that s/he was worthy of love and acceptance. It was a revelation that could only be experienced. Talking about it was completely inadequate.
     Since it was safe for the child to come out, a joy and trust we had never known before was experienced. Gradually, our little children came out of their shadowy hiding places and began to play with each other. There was laughter and tears. There was joyful exhuberance. We didn't have to hide from each other any more. We didn't have to wear our disguises. We could be there fully with each other without editing ourselves.
     The energy we were all trying so hard to hold in was liberated and began flowing between us. Singing and dancing and looking into each other's eyes, it was impossible not to see what was happening. Christ was being born among us and there was no place to look where His love was not being embodied. When we looked at our friends, we saw the light shining out from their eyes.
And in time it became impossible to deny that the light we saw in others was not also shining in our own hearts.   
     For me, it was a great satisfaction to see the light sparkling in each participant as s/he surrendered to the authentic self. Each day, the light became brighter and more intense. Auras were brightening as the core of each self began to step forth. The Christ energy moved in every pore of our being. It was in us and all around us and we were bathed in its incredible warmth and radiance.
     None of us wanted to leave our spiritual family and head back down from the mountaintop, but amid the tears of our goodbyes we knew we were taking the experience with us. We knew that we could create spiritual family at home
using the Affinity Process and the other techniques we learned on the mountaintop.
     Those who came searching for the Christ outside of themselves leave the mountain knowing that Christ lives within their hearts. They know that they are the bringer of love, as much as I am that. And now perhaps they will trust their light and let it shine so that other people who are calling for that light can find it through them.
     Just as we held the space for each person on the mountain, those who leave the mountain can hold the space for others at home. We do not need to give them the light, because they already have it. But we can hold a sacred space in which all the blocks to that light can be confessed and dissolved.
   When we are no longer afraid of our fears but can lovingly hold them, the shadows begin to lift. And then all that remains is light.
   I hope that you will all join us at our next retreat.

Paul Ferrini

Comments from 2002 Retreat Participants

Thank you for creating the retreat! While I was not always comfortable, I always felt safe.
It has been a while since I have allowed myself immersion in experiencing the shadow side and, like a swim in a deep quarry, I found it refreshing. Having companions who were fearless, courageous and open made it an outing rather than an ordeal, and it was so wonderful to be able to be part of the party, especially for the celebration of spirit, life and humanity that occurred over and over.
   I plan to facilitate an Affinity Group back home in California and actually feel genuinely suited to do so. It is such a privilege to be able to share someone's awakening – like attending a birth. Thank you for making the opportunity available through the Affinity Process.

Fran Slate
Danville, California

"I am sustained by the love of God" … this is starting to sink into my presence. Jigsaw pieces are being put together in my mind, my view of the world rearranging. My heart is already there; the mind is behind, as always.  It has been such a wonderful experience, as it still is, and I am hoping that somehow, somewhere deep inside my heart this workshop will never end. I feel showered by grace, staring like a little child at Christmas, my mouth wide open.
     What and how it is going to be when I am back home I don't know. It doesn't even matter. Something has changed. It is not yet to be named but it is there. The understanding comes after the experience, the understanding of the mind. Heart already has fully understood. It has been special and ordinary at the same time. A bunch of (ordinary) people coming from all kinds of different homes, backgrounds, cities. They gather and the Christ Energy, Jesus himself, is just there. Past and future vanish, now stretches into eternity. Still can't find the words… "I am sustained by the love of God" is what I bring with me on my way back home.     Will I ever be the same? It is a bliss to be here, to share the presence, and the sacred space of the group, to share your presence and the presence of Jesus Christ, Buddha and all the masters themselves. Arrived? Finally, on my long way home? This was it? Feels like. Of course – or at least maybe – there will be these moments struggling with darkness, with my shadow again. But something – something hard to describe, something deep inside my heart like a little switch that has been turned, something has changed. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, God-Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I am there.
     What's next? Feels like everything will come quite naturally. Bringing the work to Germany. To me it is just sharing the grace I have received. Nothing more. Gather a few people, start the Affinity Process.     Whatever else is to come will come. What do I need? It would be great to create "synergy," to join forces of people that relate to your work in Germany. My heart is full of love…so no more things to say at present.

Stephan Dautel
Neckarwestheim, Germany

One of the major outcomes of the retreat was to find out that "unconditional love" exists. With this love, space could be created in such a way that I could look inside myself (something I've never done before) and understand why I'm "fucked up." I learned that the truth could be told and that allowed me to take the mask off. I could recognize how much hatred there was in me, how little I accepted myself and due to the absence of loving myself, I never believed in the love of others for me.I have created all sorts of mechanisms in my life in order for me to like my "doings" and to make people appreciate me ("me" = "my doings"). In going through those mechanisms I started trying different routes whenever I found roads on the previous one, which resulted in getting nowhere. I did everything up to now, for others not for me. There was no me, so I might as well do for others and get their acceptance (at least) for I don't accept me.Now, being nowhere and all tangled up I have no other way out but to find my heart, open my eyes, turn the receiver on. Internalize that "I'm sustained by the love of God" and start to "untangle" and prepare my new birth. That's scary because all the "mechanisms" are very well established.It feels good to know I'm not alone and have a lot of friends I can share with.Paul, thanks for holding the space for me with all the group you attracted, and allowing (or facilitating) my looking inside myself. I owe you that one.

Flavio de Sousa
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil

I came here to practice looking at my fears, shames, guilt, etc. in an environment where I would feel safe to do so. After these past days, I'm facing that my biggest fear is of love. It's like all this negativity in my life is just an excuse to avoid facing love, so terrified of love I have been. I feel like if I let go of all that is holding back this surrender to love, I'll be crying for the rest of the time and nothing else will be left of me. That is where I am at in the moment.

Lucia de Sousa
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil

I was able to look deep into my judgments of myself that always told me I was unlovable and unworthy of my self -love or love from others.During this weekend I had a truly fantastic awakening that my "ego" always looked for statements, actions, reactions by myself or someone else, mostly my relationship partner, to continually reinforce that negative feeling of being unlovable and unworthy.Through the Affinity Process I was able to "let go" of the need to look for those negative reinforcing contacts. I am able now to look at myself and see and feel that I am a loving, giving, and compassionate person and always have been, I just refused to accept it. I have realized I do not need anything outside of me, nor depend on anyone, to love myself completely and I need nothing outside of me to sustain that love.

Liz Wilson
Naples, Florida

Coming to this retreat was of monumental importance to me.I did not give a lot of thought to what the retreat would be like, only that I would meet you.The first night I could have ran to my car and drove home when I realized it would mean opening up to talk to and recognize our "core selves." That was a scary thought. My "core self, or inner child" had been safely put in what I thought was a very comfortable spot for most of my life
My need to go to my spiritual light came to fruition this weekend. All of my searching could stop when I finally realized that this path is a self-evolved process. It is and always has been within myself and my control. My search is over and I have come home, where my journey will now begin. To this, I thank you. It could not have been achieved without the guidance and love of you and this wonderful group of people.

Rita Marlow
Malone, NY

I feel so blessed that I was given this opportunity to meet you. I have enjoyed your books immensely.This retreat has opened my heart to myself and I hope and pray I can bring some of this peace and love to my family and into my life. The Affinity Process certainly scares me to death but I feel the trust and love is greater than words.I feel so close to everyone here. Looking into their eyes I felt like I was close to their souls Thank you for having me share this experience.

Lana Wescott
Burke, NY

The feelings I have now and when I first stepped into the presence of the group of people with like minds and  thoughts and intents is really beyond words. I cannot find words to express it and will not violate the intensity of the feelings by trying to find words.There have been many emotional sharing experiences and that knowing I am not alone in my experiences and when I open myself and share them I move through them is what I will take home with me.There is one gift from you Paul that I have not thanked you for. Jesus says we don't know what we are doing when we are moved to do something. I don't know if you were aware or not but when you asked me to play my flute to open a session I did not recognize the gift you were giving me then. I had fully intended for you to play and you insisted I play. It put me immediately in a state of panic and literally took my breath away. Unfortunately one of the very few rules about the flute is that you must blow air into it. Your gift was to offer me the opportunity to walk through one of my biggest fears that is – because of my childhood – to be seen. In the midst of my terror, with the little breath I had, I managed to play a few moments – to expose myself, alone, in the safety of the circle.The entire weekend for me has been about putting into practice all that I have learned these many years and this is to give the little willingness Jesus asks of me to open my heart to the possibility of love and to have the faith and courage to stop and face my fear and pain. When I have done so in the safety and holiness of our group – each time instead of the ugly monster I expected to see, I found the unconditional love Jesus promises. Herein lies the peace of God and heaven on earth.

Mary Shambaugh
East Windsor, CT

Just a few thoughts to share regarding my experience at this year's retreat.The biggest piece of my discovery this year was the impact of dropping my spiritual practice after attending last year's retreat. With the best of intentions, I had planned to facilitate an Affinity Group upon my return. However, I created a schedule and travel commitments that made the formation of a group next to impossible.What I discovered over the last few days here at the retreat, was that I was the one who suffered as a result. For the last few months, I have been experiencing blocks, internal resistance, to fulfilling responsibilities in my work or at home. This resistance has been increasing in strength to a point where I have, at times, literally had a hard time putting one foot in front of the other.I disguised that the block was telling me to take time out to look at where I am, what I'm doing and to re-engage my spiritual enlightenment through this work …and when I did do any spiritual work, I did in under my own judgmental gaze.The biggest lesson I will take away is to be gentle with myself as I make the mistakes and trespass, as all human beings will. This will make it easy to continue my personal spiritual practice and will undoubtedly improve relations with others as well. Finally, not following through on facilitating Affinity groups extracted a terrible price. One of the most energizing options for holding space for myself and others never materialized. This year I will find a way to conduct Affinity groups and more diligently practice the 5-minute talks with my wife. My mantra will be a daily life plan (word?) to stay close to the path. I don't want to spend another year lost in the woods!

Steve deBree
Portland, ME

I came to this retreat looking for another approach to realizing and experiencing the presence of God within me The Affinity Process offers to me the potential for reaching my stated goal through sharing openly my feelings of guilt, shame and dealing with the blocks that stop me from forgiving myself and others. Through participation in the Affinity Process I have come to realize that I am not the only one having these feelings of inadequacy. Before I came to this retreat I had no awareness that feelings of guilt, shame and lack of love for myself had anything to do with my inability to connect with the experience of the presence of God.

Kirby Slate
Danville, California

This is the second workshop in Vermont I have attended and I had many reservations about coming again, even though the first workshop was a life-changing experience for me. I have learned so much about myself from your writing and the Affinity Process. My fears, judgments, and pain have not stopped, but I am able to hold them and witness them in a loving space instead of my old pattern of being consumed by them. The most powerful lesson for me has been to be constantly lead back to the power of that simple self-inquiry "Am I loving myself right now?" This is the practice I most need to do and I realize that it need not be any more complicated than that. I am very grateful to you for being a light and encouraging me to find my way out of my darkness.

Don Campbell
Ridgewood, NJ

Once again this has been a life-changing experience for me. On the way up here I did not know what to expect even though I had already experienced last year's retreat. Learning to hold myself gently through the darkness and the light was not in my understanding. Loving myself these last few days has been wonderful. Feeling safe to expose more of what I have always considered unlovable has brought me closer to the light. Also, learning to honor my own path and not wanting it to be something other than it is has helped me in my understanding of Self. Although all our stories are similar, mine is perfect for me and my healing. The Light has come in my understanding of how to wake up in each moment. Becoming a watcher of all my thoughts, accepting them, loving myself and moving on. It is a simple teaching, but not easy. Thank you for your support and love.

Priscilla deBree
Portland, ME

Glory be to God/In his image you are

As I walked in, fear set in
As I listened, light shined in
As I felt, I was awakened
Glory be to God.

As I looked within, love smiled at me
As I looked at fear, love winked at me
As I felt shame, love held me
Glory be to God.

As I gathered courage, a door opened
As I spoke my truth, hearts opened
As I held myself, there was peace
Glory be to God

In her image I am.

Paul, Thank you for creating an environment in which I can experience all of myself, connection of being one with others and comfortable with speaking my truth. Jesus has been the love of my life. Through reading your writings and experiencing your gatherings, I have found the courage to own his presence within me.

Ghazal Campbell
Ridgewood, NJ

You asked at the retreat "For whom is Jesus the prime teacher." I did not raise my hand, nor did I volunteer my answer. I realized that Joanne is my prime teacher. I didn't want her to feel a heavy responsibility for this at the time because I didn't know if I would explain it properly. I love Joanne deeply and spend most of my waking life with her. She loves me and offers wisdom, her own and others, and an opportunity to pursue my own development. .During this weekend I also remember that she is a mirror for me, as are all who come into my life. Because of her love and openness for and with me and because of the extent of time we spend together, from her I get the clearest picture albeit at times the most poignant.The Affinity Process "taken" with or without a group allows us to open up our hearts and listen to others. At any given moment, the Divine Spirit within the person whom I am reverently listening to/communing with becomes my prime teacher. I may be learning a "what to do" or a "what not to do," a "how" or "how not," a "why" or a "why not" but by opening myself up there is something to be learned. Best of all, all it costs is for me to provide love, respect and attention to my companion and myself.

Lawrence Rabine
Dobbs Ferry, NY

Having been inspired by your writings, I came here this weekend to try to embody them at a different level. Mostly, I came seeking more clarity, unconditional love for myself, and ways to be less judgmental. During the four days, I have had ups and downs in the process – openings of new light and periods of shadow judgment (which I see even more clearly are ultimately attacks on myself).I am learning to trust and let go, embracing all of my experience as coming from God. Part of that includes learning how to find, not just seek, the realization that what I'm looking for is all available to me right now is slowly sinking in. I'll need support in this. I'll need to continually ask myself, "Am I loving myself right now?" I'll have to remember that it all comes from God. I want to explore the areas where I still haven't forgiven myself and incorporate the practice of forgiveness on a more regular basis in my life. This setting is beautiful and peaceful and you have created a safe space. This community is a blessing. My goal is to take this space and this community with me to help me love myself in a gentle, powerful, forgiving way. I trust that this will bring me more clarity and let me shine my light.

Morgan McKeown
Port Chester, NY

The simplest teachings are the most profound. The workshop is simple but a generous and loving allowance of the space for each of us to discover and open to parts of ourselves that we have not loved or acknowledged. In that allowance is a special gift to each of us. In our willingness to open to the gift and listen to our hearts we do receive the gift that is always present but we can only receive it as we allow it in. It is a gift we ultimately can only give ourselves.

Jim Battee
Kalispell, MT

I've come to the Affinity Process for the first time having read your book and knowing nothing of the experience. Remembering the sun is present even as the clouds seem to obscure its brilliance; remembering God loves and accepts me as I am; remembering the space held in the altar of desire; remembering my work is remembering – all this awareness have come among these people on the mountain. I will carry the awareness of the Christ love as authentically as I will carry my judgments as judgments even as I allow my love to wash my heart. I will remember trespass and atonement as I look to those close to me and to those I work among.
     I will accept my mistakes, my trespasses, and I will forgive myself, ask forgiveness of those I trespass and atone or mend where it can be done. Mostly I acknowledge Jesus as my teacher. I renew my commitment to the virtues as taught by Jesus of faith, hope and charity – "and the greatest of these is charity!" I am grateful to have been called to this place; I'm grateful to the people who did the work to make the circumstances possible and mostly I'm grateful to the heart-opening honesty I've witnessed from people who four days ago were mostly strangers.

Robert Donahue
Westport, CT

As the tributaries of my river of life return to the soul/source, I begin to remember who I am.
In remembering who I am the truth shines brighter and illuminates my darkness. The oneness of community in that aloneness begins to fall away – forever.

Heather Davis
Cornwall, Ontario Canada

I thoroughly enjoyed my experience at the workshop. I feel connected to each and every person present. The openness, honesty and authenticity of the participants has not been paralleled in any other workshop of this type that I have previously experienced. I feel my heart opened up, and dropped my ever-pervasive judgments and felt acceptance and loving towards all. I expect to take away from here newfound treasured friendships. I definitely plan on attending again next year.

Jean Siry
Huntington, NY

This weekend presented itself to be a loving present to myself. You were always available to us and present. The space here all weekend allowed me to progress and expand into a new center of discovery for myself. For the first time I found a loving place within myself of pure acceptance. I particularly resonated with asking myself "Am I loving myself right now?" It seemed to bring such clarity to any questions I couldn't answer among lost of inner muck.Thank you for being you – and thank you for listening to Jesus.

Marie Heiland
Naples, FL

I believe I came here with an open mind and heart. Throughout the weekend I have found my mind still has some walls, but they are coming down. My heart is more open, but there is fear remaining. I have a long way to go, but the journey is good. I truly want to put into everyday practice what I have experienced and learned. I hope I can keep the journey on track. I know I have issues that need to be brought to the surface and reckoned with. I have a loving partner in life to help me as I help her. It's easier to work on them together. I feel I have greater ability now to help her as I help myself. Despite the issues hiding below the surface I know I love myself and this weekend has helped to better appreciate that. I don't say this blindly. I know I have to revisit this daily. This weekend has given me the opportunity to explore a part of my life I have never seriously explored. As emotional, and sometimes painful, as this exploration has been it has been worth every step.

Lindy (Robert) Shambaugh
East Windsor, CT

I really enjoyed your retreat. I plan to start an Affinity Group about 1 to 2 months (maybe sooner) after I arrive home. I feel that the Affinity Process is the spiritual practice I've been looking for. As far as support, I would like to be able to email you or call you if something comes up in group that I don't know how to handle. The fact that "All I need – and all I've ever needed is within me," is probably the greatest message I've gotten out of this retreat. I thank you for being you.

Katy Martin
 

Comments from 2001Retreat Participants

After having been at the Omega workshop, I new something of what to expect. I had wanted to come back for more, because I was drawn to the material, and I loved Paul's books. The Vermont workshop started with the and I loved Paul's books. The Vermont workshop started with the same message I heard at Omega, and that was to "be aware of my thoughts, emotions, judgments, and the rest of the drama, which comes up continuously" and "just be aware of what is going on," while holding a loving space for myself. Always asking the question" am I being loving to myself right now?" And that was all I had to do. My ego was activated. I heard that already in Omega, and I was eager to hear something different, more interesting, more complex, perhaps a little more esoteric. I wanted to go to the next level, and I thought Paul could have emailed me that message, and I would have saved myself a lot of time. I had a hard time accepting this simple procedure and putting any value on it, it seemed too inconsequential to me. I was about to learn a very powerful lesson, because while it is Simple, I found out just how hard it would be to practice it and just how often it would need to practiced. As the workshop unfolded, I liked how Paul set it up, to slowly build our closeness and trust for each other. In the beginning I was filled with doubts and fears, and I was judging others in the group. Actually I didn't know how I would get through the workshop with all the judgments going on in my head. I think my biggest fear was that I would go through this workshop and get nothing from it, and leave feeling depressed. As we shared and I listened to others I became aware that we were very similar in the "stuff", that we were going through, and our struggles to cope. Listening to others helped me to see myself with more compassion, and I was practicing being loving to myself in a kind of clumsy way, sometimes not knowing if I was doing it right,or if I was doing anything at all. Never-the-less, I was going to commit myself to this. From the beginning I noticed I was having a problem, or so it seemed, I felt like crying much of the time, and was very afraid of crying in front of the group while sharing. A few times I tried to hide my tears from others. These waves, of what I thought were sadness would sweep over me for no reason that I was aware of, but the strange thing was, is that I didn't feel great sadness, only that the tears wanted to flow. I resisted and fought them off, until I felt really exhausted ,and was so afraid that if I didn't talk about it, I would really lose it, totally out of control, which scared me even more. So I did share my tears with the group and cried and I felt bad, and confused, but Paul said "that it was a shifting of energy" and "it was a good thing." Hard for me to except at the time,but I thought "at least that's over with." That night I wrote in my journal a short sentence, that I didn't remember, and it was this... "listen in the silence...you will hear my voice, tears first...they will leave, and my voice will make itself known." I didn't remember writing it and was surprised to read it as as I write this. I was having glimpses of clarity throughout the workshop, feelings that I could not recognize, I tried to label them, but my descriptions seems too inadequate. I was also practicing letting it be, without needing to figure it out. I would just let myself be present to whatever was going on at the time  without judgement. This was a challenge, but I couldn't deny the peace and love I was feeling. We were building a loving space, and I felt love for the group and I was letting go of everything that was not in the moment. The moment was enough for me, and it felt wonderful to be around others that were so loving to me. The activities were fun and illuminating. Through all this, my ego raised it's head many times, but I was able to hold my space, I think to large part because I was so supported by the love of the group. The end came too soon, but I was ready, I actually said to the group "I've never felt more prepared to go back to my life as I do now" We had created such a beautiful energy and saying good bye was seemed ok for me, until I was watching people leave, and then we drove away, and I felt sad. The drive home with Carol was pleasant, we reflected on the weekend, and I was still high from the workshop and I wanted to hold onto that good feeling. The last thing I expected was to crash land when I arrived home. My worst fear realized. Upon arriving, I called my wife, to let her know I was home, unpacked, checked my messages at work and started making phone calls and figured I would watch a little news, I jumped head first into my old life. Before I knew it, I was feeling quite low, and depressed, I started getting mad at myself for losing the high that I had, and so quickly. I thought it would have lasted a few days or if I was lucky weeks or months. What the hell did I think ,that all my problems would go away while I was gone. Here they were, just waiting for me, and now I had to deal with them, and the world with all it's problems. It seemed to get worse well into the next day, feeling like I brought nothing home from the workshop. I couldn't even remember anything that I thought I needed to be doing, I just couldn't believe the state I was in, totally lost and embarrassed at how I felt. I knew I needed to get focused and I looked for the basic steps that I could work with. I wrote them down and put them in my wallet, so I could look at it as often and I needed. The week that following the workshop I was going to be alone because my wife was away at a workshop of her own. I remember mentioning it to Linda, and saying "I don't know how it will be for me to be alone after the workshop", she said "it will probably be exactly what you need" and she was right. I needed time to be with myself and practice what I had learned. After Monday I idn't turn on the TV for a week.I just wanted to meditate, read and practice what I had learned...that "simple" technique. I was also listening to Krishna Das, (thanks to Marilyn) which I found touched me deep inside. I also thought I had finished with the crying...wow, was I wrong. I broke down and cried in my car, in the shower and everywhere in between. I would let it come, and didn't judge it, I didn't judge anything that was going on in my mind (or I tried not to). I had to pull the notes out of my wallet to get me back to holding that "loving space" again, and again, and again. Later in the week, I found myself feeling very different, I had a new sense of peace with myself, I had moments of real joy. At a certain point, I knew I could not go back to the old patterns I had before the workshop, I had lost interest in many things that I had always done. I didn't need to escape into TV, food, or mindless activities. I had tasted living in the present, and it is where I want to be. This last two weeks have been a roller coaster ride for me, but I feel like I have made a huge leap, and I like how I feel. I have a new way to the live my life, and that is more fully, more conscious, more self excepting, and most of all...more loving. I have never done that before, and it is very new for me...I feel I will never be the same. I'm very grateful to Paul, and all participants that were there, I have many memories of the gifts received from everyone, and feel I have many new friends. Thanks to you all. And thanks to Larry, Denise, and Linda, I'm hooked on yoga, I've started classes and will make it a part of my new life.. that was a extra bonus of the workshop.

Don Campbell

Having just returned from the Vermont Affinity Process Retreat, I had an interesting encounter on the way home. At Bradley airport I ran into two women who were returning from a sound therapy retreat in the mountains. I shared with them some of Paul's books and when the one woman uncovered my bookmark with the Great Invocation, she decided that it was fate that we should meet and share our thoughts. She asked me to show her some Yoga for her knees and hip joints so we did a little Yoga in the airport. We had at least 2 hours to wait in the airport and as time went on, I began to feel a lot of tension between these two women .myself being placed in the center. One told me about future plans...plans which she had never shared with the other. As it got closer to boarding time it became apparent to me that this was a friendship that was not based on truth and love. I found myself losing my center with a growing feeling of sadness. The encounters I had had with the people at the retreat seemed so honest and innocent. The friendships that we formed were based on the willingness to be honest and non-judgmental while holding that sacred space  for one another. These women were young and the friendship I witnessed seemed to be based on an illusion of openess and love. Perhaps I was moving into a judgmental place or maybe what I saw was reminiscent of the friendships I had known when I was younger and in search of something real. It left me with food for thought on my journey back to Reno. A wonderful reminder that until we are truly ready to love ourselves and allow Spirit to guide us, we continue to seek without finding.

Linda Azar

I had my first Affinity group tonight. It went really well and all who attended want to be part of the group. There will be 7 in the group and we will begin 2 weeks from tonight because that is what worked for the group. I was quite nervous ,but never felt alone. I must say it feels good to have jumped in. This is the start of an amazing journey.

Priscilla DeBree

It's now been two weeks since we left our snuggly retreat in Vermont and I know I am a different person than I was before I entered the process which will continue to change my life. I brought back with me a willingness to let go, let the spirit direct me and in less than two weeks I find myself embracing the healer in me I've been denying or afraid to accept because of the responsibility it would mean. I've come to realize that no matter what the gift, it is my responsibility as a human being to share it, it doesn't really belong to me. Since that time of stepping into myself I felt most acutely during the ordination service I have received so many new referrals to our wellness center, all people with similar conditions that I experienced years ago, which caused me to open the center in the first place. I have a new sense of confidence. I am more aware of listening and staying in the present and I have a strong feeling that as long as I stay connected to myself and the higher presence within me and all of us, I won't lose all that I feel I've gained. I am actively talking to people and have what I think are the beginnings of an affinity group. I'll keep you posted.

Joanne Sobato

Reading "Love Without Conditions" last spring led me to that mountain in Vermont and the opportunity to discover more about myself. The affinity process is so different from other groups I have experienced. Having a mandate to just hold a safe and loving space for myself and others is a radical departure from an environment where feedback is encouraged. Having the simple spiritual practice of asking myself if I am believing in God's unconditional love for me...right now, makes such a powerful shift in my focus from feeling deprived, to feeling abundance. Recognizing that all is within me, that I am not and my life is not, broken. This feels so beautiful. Getting to this place was an intense experience. I arrived at the retreat depleted from my own life and the recent struggle of working in Manhattan. I felt lost/stuck in fear and depression. Knowing God is within and having faith that all is as it should be, but not feeling it. I was judging myself, feeling afraid and not wanting to acknowledge my fear. When I was asked at the beginning of the retreat what I wanted to accomplish, I replied that I wanted to leave a part of me here on the mountain. I felt this old "bad kid" piece could sometimes come into my adult life and wreck emotional havoc. Even though I was aware of this, I did not always have the power to control it. I wanted "her" gone! The next morning, during a silent walk I had a vision of a very young girl in the bottom of a well, looking at me with upstretched arms. I knew this innocent child and felt ashamed. I could not look at her. The "bad" girl appeared, clouds swirled up out of the well, obscuring everything but her. Later, when we shared with another member, I talked about my experience. Then in a small Affinity Group I shared some specifics and for the first time, opened this part of me to others. I was held with love and compassion. The act of acknowledging rather than denying this part shifted something and I started to listen to her voice.  I experienced a tremendous amount of fear coming up and was able to let the space I felt the group holding for me support me. I was able to be with the fear and let it pass. The unconditional love and lack of judgment I felt was very powerful. With no feedback forthcoming, it was easy to just accept myself as I was...an amazing experience. I continued to have times of communion with this young and troubled part of myself. I wrote in my journal and brought her to God.I started to look at her without judgment then grew to love and accept her. By the end of the retreat, I no longer wanted to leave this girl on the mountain. I brought her home with me and know there is beauty in her energy and her power..she is not "bad." She is the bridge to my innocence, lost when I rejected, her just as she had been shamed and rejected by others. Since coming back, I have continued my awareness of these young and tender places. I can see how what I had been labeling as shameful was just a cry for love. I am conscious of this and know it is my job to let God love me and open to loving myself. When Paul asked us if we had a deep resonance with the Affinity Process and a desire to carry this message by facilitating an Affinity Group, I had to answer "yes." I know that this will not be about me, but about offering myself to be of service. There is a flow of Spirit that I feel that must be honored. My job is to stay out of the way and let the river take me where I am to go. This is a very scary proposition to me but I am absolutely certain in the rightness of it. This my journey and the way is marked in each individual moment. I do not know what the next one will hold and sometimes feel afraid, as the illusion of control dies hard, but I am learning to trust this process and acknowledge my fear. The barometer for how I am doing is internal...I feel peaceful and full of love and joy when I am trusting. When I am afraid, and ask myself "the question" a shift occurs and the door to my heart is opened. I can be fearful and faithful at the same time, I do not have to look at my fear as "doing it wrong" or as being "unspiritual." I don't have to do anything more than be conscious of where I am and hold myself and others with compassion and love. So now I am open to those who are curious about this experience and to deepening the practice I have learned through sharing it. As Paul told me, my job is just to show up.

Carol Templeton

I have been enjoying the fruits of our Vermont retreat daily. What a rare opportunity for me to get completely away from every day events and focus only on matters of the Spirit for five beautiful days with all of you. I can hear Paul's flute calling us to meditation, feel the energy of the yoga hour (thanks to the reno three) carry me and the anticipation of the process unfolding throughout the days. To practice without the support of a spiritual community is very difficult. What I am doing to try to bring this community together is to send and "Invitation letter" to members of our small population who I know to be 'spiritually conscious' . These are people I have met over the past several years while participating in various other like-minded activities. I will also post the letter along with a copy of "Living in the Heart" at the local health food store and yoga studio next door.
The letter invites readers to attend a meeting to discuss the formation of an affinity group to begin after the first of the year and the meeting will be held within the next two weeks. I am excited about doing this and opening the process to others. I also hope to have my wife, Michelle co-facilitate the group with me, if possible. Scheduling is tricky as we have four boys under six years old. Wish me luck and love to all.

John Fager