As a young girl growing up in a strict Catholic household I always felt the need to be “the good girl”. I was very hard on myself when I perceived that I didn’t live up to the expectations of my parents, teachers, friends and others. I was striving desperately to please. That desire later kept me in a marriage for much longer than was comfortable to me.
     At the age of 29 I rebelled against all by falling in love with a dear friend. Our friendship had developed over 7 years and then one day it changed from platonic to sexual. It was intoxicating. It was complete with all the drama, intensities and lies that affairs possess. Although I was in a constant state of stress, I felt that was where I had to be.
     Two months into the affair I discovered I was pregnant. My first reaction was shock, then quickly joy and then fear. I had had four prior miscarriages and had decided not to try any more because the emotional distress and pain of loss was just too much. Now I was pregnant and probably with my lover’s child. Yet, I bonded with the life inside of me immediately. Somehow I knew this child would stick.
     I embraced the pregnancy, took great care of myself and continued living the deception with my husband. I made the decision to keep my family intact and this child would be part of that family.
     Larry and I ended the affair, but still remained friends.Throughout my entire pregnancy there was a part of me that knew this was my lover’s child, although I held on to a degree of denial.
     Michelle was born and she was all that I had felt her to be. She was a radiant light, an old, wise soul. I was so happy to receive the gift of this being. It was no longer possible to deny the obvious, and although now I knew for certain the truth of her paternity, I continued to hide it to the outside world.
     When Michelle was 6 months old, I resumed the affair with Larry, and subsequently went numb from the waist down. I thought this an interesting point of self punishment. It was time to end the marriage.
     I was separated when Michelle was one year old, divorced by the time she was two and remarried to Larry when she was five. Michelle continued to believe that Glenn (my ex-husband) was her father and Larry was her step father.
     This lie continued for 17 years. I lived in fear that my daughter would find out the truth and I would lose her. I anguished over the pain I had and the pain I would cause my daughter. Parents are supposed to protect and help their kids, not create situations to hurt them. And, I was doing just that.
     I watched for Michelle’s reaction every time there was a movie or an Oprah show that dealt with anything even remotely similar. I wanted to tell her and knew that the truth was the only way to free both of us from this prison I created. I sought psychological counseling to help rid myself of the guilt. I needed help but the psychologists, although quite loving and knowledgeable, weren’t quite doing it for me.
     After several serious bouts of idiosyncratic illnesses, I finally got the message and turned to Spirit, an old friend from childhood. I began to meditate, connect more with nature and found teachers like Paul and Cecilia. They came to me through a series of synchronistic experiences and helped provide me with the tools to interpret the internal map of my consciousness. Now I was looking for God in all the right places, and particularly within myself.
     The choices and subsequent actions were mine to make alone, but it was wonderful having Ministers of love hold the space I needed when I couldn’t quite hold it for myself.
     The day I told Michelle about her paternity was a day that is now recorded in my cellular memory as Independence Day for both of us. I remember talking to Cecilia several times throughout that day and feeling so intensely, the unconditional love (munay) of the Divine Mother.
     Michelle received the news with the grace and love as I always knew she would. Later, there was a great deal of pain that we all, particularly Michelle, went through. Imagine going to bed one night believing everything in your world is one way, and the next day finding out that the fundamental truths you believed about yourself, weren’t facts at all.
     We all continued to work on this in our own way and still continue to process bits and pieces throughout the years. Through the pain, the tears, the anger and deceptions, we have been able to move on, with the love we have for one another, as this continues to inspire and sustain us.
     Being able to share my story in the affinity process, through retreats and groups has helped me process the self hatred and loathing for not being the “good girl” anymore, and ultimately, to find and acknowledge the gifts this experience has brought.
     It will be five years this June since I told Michelle the truth. She is now able to make light of it with new acquaintances. She recently related a story to me. When she met a new friend, the typical question of “What nationality are you?” came up, and she responded “I used to be an Italian, German, now I’m an Italian, Catholic, Russian, and Jew.”
     Her ability to adapt and accept has been the greatest gift to me.  Her love is Divine Mother love, clear and simple. My connection and devotion to the Divine Feminine throughout this time has been a resource of strength and courage that I know I can always draw upon. The well never empties.
     The Women’s Conference in July will be an opportunity for us to share our gifts, our joys, our sorrows, our stories, that lie buried deep inside, just waiting to be released.  By holding space for each other we will find it easier to hold a space for ourselves and we may all experience our own personal independence day.
     Please join us for this momentous  occasion as we sit in the embrace of the Divine Feminine, “nestled within the cloak of her garment... and feel her sweet breath kissing away all our pain and sorrow.”