Growing up I let my family make decisions for me, and that same pattern continued with my husband. I didn’t trust myself! My life experience taught me to deny my feelings; I never really knew what I was feeling. Through well-intended reassurances, my mother had taught me to "just be happy", regardless of the pain I experienced when I felt inadequate, unimportant, misunderstood, inferior, or left behind. Later my husband unknowingly taught me to "not rock the boat", to not bother him with my hurt or angry feelings, and to not laugh too loudly or talk too much. My sense of well-being was tangled in his behavior toward me, and I spent many, many hours trying to orchestrate a way to connect with him, only to fail. My husband became discouraged and felt unsupported in our marriage. He became involved in a complicated relationship with another woman and, after 19 years of marriage, he moved out of our home.

     I tried desperately to reconnect with him, even initiating intimacy as a way to survive. I knew I could function independently, but my heart was broken and I felt lifeless. I pleaded with him to spend time with me, wrote to him and wished he would let me back into his life.

     I cried out to a friend, Nancy, desperately seeking comfort from the pain of disconnecting from the man to whom I felt unmistakably drawn. She referred to Brad as my Teacher. She gently pointed out that the feelings I shared with her weren’t congruous with how I reported that I behaved. In the tiniest of baby steps I began to see myself as an individual with feelings that were severely under-nourished. I slowly became aware that I didn’t listen to myself – I dishonored my feelings in my vain attempts to make Brad happy so that he would relate with me.
     She also was courageous enough to tell me that she understood how Brad could feel unsupported, because that was sometimes her experience of me also.   After months of slowly defining myself, I had an opportunity to attend a spiritual retreat with Paul Ferrini in Parrish, FL. The purpose of the retreat was to experience giving and receiving unconditional love to myself and to others. I was bathed in the Light of non-judgment. We practiced sharing experiences without blaming others for our feelings. I heard many women’s stories, including some of extra-marital affairs -- and recognized it was part of their own painful learning to be authentic. I didn’t judge them for it! By the end of the weekend, with watchful support from Paul and the group, I was able to honor myself enough squeak out the words, through tears and gasps for breath, “I don’t want to be with my husband while he is with another woman.” What may have seemed obvious to others was just surfacing for me – I was worthy of respect as an individual, regardless of the problems I had caused or the needs of others. I was just as important as anyone else.
     I attended my second spiritual retreat with Paul Ferrini 6 months later. This time, in addition to the immediate friendships with many women, I related to many men who were present, and began to see myself as valuable and respected by them. My eyes opened to the reality that we were all equal – the men and the women. We laughed and hugged, told stories and listened to one another equally. I began to see myself with more significance, and valued them intensely once I realized we could share the same unconditional, responsible interactions as I had with women.
     I noticed myself speaking about my sexuality and becoming flirtatious, unconsciously testing my old ideas that sexuality was a necessary ingredient to feel acceptable to men outside my family. We were able to respectfully talk about it, and I was overjoyed to feel genuinely appreciated and respected for who I was as a person, without regard to my sexuality! I left the retreat with remarkable admiration for the men who shared so responsibly with me.
     With delight in my heart I returned home. Even though I was still hoping to reconcile with my husband, I put my spiritual progress ahead of my desire to have a unified family. I began to practice listening to and loving myself consciously.  I was suffering from intense back pain, and my body-work therapist helped me determine I had been holding my breath, waiting for things to change, rather than living my own life from my heart. In the weeks that followed I focused on my spiritual progress and made it the priority in my life rather than focusing on the outcome of uniting my family. 
     I began practicing dances and exercises that facilitated the flow of energy in my body. I have finally shared openly with my husband about the painful experiences I had when we were together. I have started listening to myself, and speaking from my heart! My therapist commented that it seemed like I had "re-inhabited" my body, that previously it was as if I "wasn't there," and "wasn't real." Tears came quickly, and she asked if I felt sad. “No,” I replied, I'm just really happy to be home." I cried when I heard her words, because I knew it was true. I had separated myself – mind from body and spirit. I was “back home”, a whole self.
     I often “relapse” into my old patterns of analyzing, letting others make decisions for me, and pleasing, but now I see what is happening and, through the support of many friends, notice the temptation to separate myself again. I am so thankful for the reminders I have that God is unconditionally loving me through every circumstance, and I can bring that love to myself.
     I look forward to sharing more of my experiences this summer at our Awakening the Feminine Spirit Conference in Connecticut. I will also be sharing my experiences with parents and children in my workshop “Authentic Parenting.” The workshop will provide a supportive setting for parents who want to learn skills for communicating authentically and responsibly to children of all ages. These skills include listening, using descriptive language, limit-setting and problem solving. This interactive workshop will also bring to light the obstacles to clear communication and the mixed messages we often send to our children.
     As a mother of three children ages (17, 14 and 11), I have been teaching the 12 hour course, “The Art of Positive Parenting” in Columbus, Ohio, since 1996. I have also taught a number of other courses such as “Children and the Media, Child Safety, Managing Conflict, Self-esteem, and Parent-child Relationships. I have a particular interest in counseling and teaching parents of teenagers and I welcome those of you with teenagers to come
and share your challenges and successes in parenting your children.