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Questions for Paul Ferrini |
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Integrating Spirituality |
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Q GK Dear GK,
A The cause of conflict lies in the conflicting thoughts “we need another room� and “can’t find one within our budget.� Now if you need something that you cannot afford, that is a painful proposition. But how do you know you can’t afford what you need? The idea that you can’t afford what you need comes from fear-based thinking. It also comes from assuming that today and tomorrow will be like yesterday. That’s obviously erroneous thinking, because if they were like yesterday your daughter would not be growing up and you would not be needing more space. Growth is dynamic. The present moment is dynamic. You can accept what you have now without being limited to it. Things can change. You can change. You can become more flexible in your thinking. You can become more open to possibilities that are present right now in your life. Ask yourself: “Am I willing to move if I can find more space that’s affordable?� Ask your daughter the same question. If you are both willing, then begin to look around. Explore any possibility that arises. You may be surprised what opens up. Be present now with what you have and with the awareness of your changing needs. There does not have to be a conflict here. All this is true. It’s hard to hear our guidance when we are anxious. That is why we use the breath to sooth our anxiety and to take us to the place within that is free of conflict. Then, we can relax deeply and know what is really true for us. Blessings, Paul Ferrini |
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Dear Paul,
Q However, what was at the time a tragedy, has over the past few years become for me a wonderful opportunity of exploration and new discovery. I was free to explore myself and my own seeds of belief which would have been squashed by the church and denounced as 'satanic'; I smile now. I have read and treasure some of your books, particularly the Reflections of the Christ Mind series, which enabled me to understand the message of Christ in a new and different way. I have discovered the many different paths that lead to God and feel joy in the understanding that there is no One Way. Last night I went to see Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ. A harrowing, but truthful portrayal I felt. The trouble is, the film has raised the big issue once more for me: What was the real meaning of the death of Christ? How does the Passion fit with my new way of looking at and experiencing my spiritual life. I wonder how you interpret this issue of Yeshua as messiah? How do you reconcile this for yourself?. I'd very much appreciate your wisdom on this, Paul. Thank you. Sara Dear Sarah,
A Worldly and secular power is always threatened by Christ, for Christ accepts no external authority, but listens only to the voice of the Holy Spirit. Jesus was crucified because he challenged the authority structures of his time. Many in our day have been beaten, lynched, shot and tortured for the same reason. Truth cannot be exterminated, but that does not mean that those who are threatened by truth will not try to maim or kill its messengers. Unfortunately, this has been true throughout human history and the time of Jesus was no exception. Ironically, the very Church that purports to teach in the name of Jesus has been responsible for some of the greatest human rights abuses in history, burning “heretics� at the stake and slaughtering “unbelievers� in numerous holy wars. While the early church retained some of the wisdom and clarity of Jesus’ teaching, all this shifted when Christianity became the state religion of Rome. From that point on, it became the tool of oppression. It is generally true that those organizations including churches that gain secular power lose their spiritual mission and focus. They cease to bring the Holy Spirit’s message of the “inalienable rights� and “absolute equality� of all human beings and instead practice the politics of power and privilege. Jesus came to oppose corruption and hypocrisy in the Jewish hierarchy and I have no doubt he would approach the Christian hierarchies in the same way. He would overturn the tables of the charlatans attempting to control people using fear and guilt-based messages and preaching the religion of specialness. But this is neither here nor there. For my part I do not believe that Jesus died for my sins, nor do I believe there his most obscene torture on the cross demonstrates anything other than man’s inhumanity to man. The lamb of God was not crucified once only some two thousand years ago, but many times over. Nails are being driven into his hands and feet right now. indeed, there is not a day that goes by when an innocent man or woman is not tortured or put to death. Right now the Christ, an innocent son or daughter of God, is being crucified before our eyes. It is happening in Israel, in Iraq, in Afghanistan, all over the “civilized� world. The message of Christ was given two thousand years ago, but the human family has not followed his teaching. We have not learned to love our enemies. We have not learned to love our neighbor as ourself. Until we learn to do what Jesus asked us to do, we can have no understanding of the meaning of his life or his death. Blessings, Paul |
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Dear Paul; Q Dear Grant,
A There are many forms of service. Some require many “responsibilities� as you call them. Others are fairly simple and straightforward like serving food at a soup kitchen or laying up brick to help build a shelter. President Carter has given us great examples of both. Hope this helps. Paul |
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Hi Paul,
After he finished school, he didn't know what to do, studying, working, what? So, he finally started to study to become a cook. But, after one month, he decided it wasn't what he hoped for, so he quit. He spoke to someone about other possibilities and decided to go to school to become a shipper on a boat, but 2 weeks later, he quit again. He went out to find a job, but never works somewhere longer than 2 weeks. Now, his friends are also "looking", hanging, not knowing what to do. Sometimes (too often, 4 times a week, I think, may be it's more), they use drugs. He says he is not blowing or using drugs more than once a week... and so he says he has no problem. In Holland it is not possible to "put" your kid in a program. The law says that a child has to choose himself. Last month, he wanted to go to a private school. It's expensive, but he looked motivated so we paid the money for that private school.... which he quit again last week! Last year, my husband, family, friends, helpers, doctors, all said to me you must let him go... Tell him he can finish school or find a job and go there every day. If he won't go tell him he can live on his own. It's a very difficult decision, letting go your own son...yet I think if I really want to help him, I have to do it. We really don't know anymore what to do. Hope to hear something from you. Thanks, Hanneke Dear Hanneke,
He is hurting his mind and his body by taking drugs, but telling him that won't help. He needs to discover it for himself. Then, he can ask for help. Taking drugs contributes to aimlessness and lack of focus. It encourages fantasy thinking and lack of practicality or grounding. The mind moves at a rate that is not practical for the body. One sees the goal, but is incapable of moving toward it. In an attempt to leapfrog over the intermediate steps, one falls flat on one's face again and again. A failure syndrome is established, for which one tries to compensate by engaging in a series of gravity defying high wire acts. None of them work. Instead, the shame and self-loathing just begin to pile up within consciousness. It never occurs to one who lives with mind disconnected to body to try and take the next step. The next step doesn't seem glorious or dramatic enough. Recovering addicts know they have to put one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time. They need to re-ground and re-learn how to live simply and practically. They need to set short term goals and achieve them. They need to learn to walk before they run. They need training and focus. They need to be held responsible for their actions, even little ones, because they have a habit of being irresponsible and out of touch with reality. There are many young people like your son on the planet today. They need our time and attention, because they have been raised by television and computers. They are not grounded and do not how to live in the world. They need human teachers and human limits. They need to understand that there are consequences for every choice they make and they will have to live with those consequences. This is a serious problem and we aren't really facing it. In the old days, kids who were struggling went into the army and learned some of these basic skills at boot camp. But today there aren't enough boot camps available to meet the need. Nobody wants to be the bad guy anymore. Nobody wants to set limits. So we have a generation of kids without fathers. Neither mom nor dad wants to give the kid a boot in the butt. Instead, we give them a computer with a joy stick. And then we wonder how such a cute little kid could consider going to school with an automatic weapon and killing forty or fifty people. People either internalize or externalize their rage. We know about the ones who externalize it because they get our attention. But we don't know about the ones who internalize it until they overdose or jump off a bridge. It won't be easy for you to do it, but you will have to learn to set clear limits with your son. You will have to show him the door and mean it. He might even have to sleep in the street for a night or two to get the message. But while you are showing him the door, tell him that you love him. Tell him that you will always love him, no matter what happens. And tell him that you hope that he learns to love himself and take care of himself because that is what is needed. Pray for your son, but let him go. Until he looks in the mirror and takes responsibility for what he sees, he will not grow up. It doesn't matter how many mirrors you buy and put in his room. Only life can bring him face to face with himself. I hope that this helps. Blessings, Paul |
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Dear Paul,
Over the years, I have not felt completely fulfilled. I stay home with our children -- my choice. I have looked for ways to find fulfillment, mostly in part-time work, which I found immensely rewarding. But I still had this lingering feeling of something missing. I have a few very close friends who I can talk with on a spiritual level, and feel that we encourage each other's growth. That is what has sustained me, I think. Recently, I met someone who is another kindred spirit -- only this person is a man. I feel very drawn and connected to him. But, now I feel very dissatisfied with my husband. It's as though a light has been turned on and I'm seeing clearly for the first time that my husband is simply on a different spiritual level than I am. He doesn't really seem to KNOW me, and he certainly doesn't spur any kind of spiritual or personal growth. In fact, what I am seeing now is that we barely communicate about anything significant. There is almost no talking at dinner (when he's home), and he rarely asks me or shows interest in what I am doing during the day. I have tried to give him opportunities for discussion on an emotional level so that we can grow beyond this and feel close again, but he has not responded. I have even told him that I have been receiving attention from other men and that it feels good to have someone interested in me. But his response was "of course they pay attention to you -- you're a beautiful woman." I feel like part of me is dying, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I could have an affair with this other person, even though our relationship is platonic at this point. But we connect on such a deep level that it could easily turn into a sexual relationship. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially my children. But, like I said, I feel like I'm dying inside and I'm unsure what is right anymore. Can you offer me some guidance? Thank you!!! Carmen Dear Carmen,
Moreover, if you leave your husband for this other man, you will very likely come to a similar place where the attention you give and receive falls away under the stresses of daily life and you find yourself coming face to face with the imperfection of your partner, yourself and your life in general. It is a natural development in any relationship that people begin to take each other for granted and the grass begins to look greener in the neighbor's yard. The truth is that it isn't greener; it just looks greener, because your mutual capacity to see and value what you have is diminishing. I think that you and your husband need to have a heart to heart talk to see if you both are both committed to your relationship and are willing to invest the time and energy it requires to work for both of you. If you are willing, each of you can ask the other for change and progress in some area of the relationship that isn't working for you. The requests must be heartfelt and agreement must be genuine, not made under pressure or duress. It also needs to be a mutual process, not a one-sided one. In addition, I suggest that you have some daily and weekly ritual in which you take time to communicate openly and express your appreciation to each other for your relationship. These rituals are a spiritual practice you can do together that will strengthen your relationship and make room in it for authenticity on both sides. Many couples have found the five minute talks (see my book The Ecstatic Moment) very helpful. These talks are undertaken using many of the principles of the Affinity Group Practice (see Living in the Heart). If you and your husband did the five minute talks each day and went to an Affinity Group once per week, you would clear away the barriers to communication and begin to build a solid spiritual bond that would help you get through the ups and downs of married life and create a strong family structure for your children. Yes, this will take work. But there is work to do for both of you. The question is "Are you willing to do it?" I have worked with many couples in similar situations who have been successful in creating a second (spiritual) birth in their relationship once the hormones stop raging and the dysfunctional personality patterns of both people begin to reveal themselves. To think that your husband is not spiritual enough to walk at your side or to think he is on a different spiritual plane is absurd! I assure you that he is just as spiritual as you are! The question is not whether he is "spiritually correct" in your eyes, but whether he is willing to address the areas in the relationship that are not working for either one of you. If you don't view your husband as your equal, then you know where your work in the relationship must begin. Another issue that needs scrutiny is your own feelings about giving up your career ambitions to support your husband's. I wonder: "Do you resent the career sacrifice you made?" You also say that you are staying at home with your children by choice. I wonder: "Do you feel fulfilled in your role as a mother, even though it isn't and can't be perfect?" Understanding and taking responsibility for your own internal conflicts and their resolution will help you to stop projecting the responsibility for your unhappiness onto your husband. One final suggestion. You have been hinting around to your husband that if he doesn't show up someone else might. Unfortunately, most of us men are not attuned to subtlety. So, if you are seriously contemplating being unfaithful to him or leaving the relationship, you might need to stop whispering and start screaming. You might even have to grab a baseball bat and threaten to hit him on top of the head if he doesn't sit down and listen to you! Let him know that he is going to lose you if he stays asleep at the tiller and makes work or other things more important than his relationship with you. I hope that you find these suggestions helpful and I appreciate your honesty and your courage in bringing these challenging issues to the surface for discussion and greater awareness. I wish you, your husband, your platonic friend, and your children the very best. May you manifest together what is for the highest good of all concerned. Love and blessings, Paul Dear Paul:
BUT.....lol (did you see that coming?).....I have many questions. I think I can combine quite a few of them, though, because they sort of have a common element. I am puzzled by the 'how' of all of it. HOW am I supposed to suddenly change all of these unhealthy habits? By becoming aware of them, you say, and by asking God to help me. But I don't know how to do that! I don't know how to forgive--just that I should forgive. I'm not sure howto start loving myself--just that it's necessary in order to love anyone else and to withstand adverse conditions. It always seemed to me that the feelings (any feelings) were either there or not there inside me. Either I feel forgiveness or I don't. Either I feel lonely and rejected, or I don't. How can I manufacture forgiveness? How do I create self-love when heretofore I haven't been able to? Love, Carrie Dear Carrie,
If you are looking for a quick fix, I cannot offer you one. Learning to see the ways in which you are merciless with yourself and to offer yourself the alternative of holding yourself more gently and compassionately is a lifelong spiritual practice. AND I MEAN PRACTICE. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. That's what awareness means. In the face of such a practice, all illusion is swept away. Awareness is a powerful river. But it starts as a trickle and it grows in strength and intensity.In the end, nothing can resist it. Forgiveness comes from the awareness that the only person who we are beating up is ourselves. It is not a fleeting feeling. It is a gradual recognition of the futility of holding blame and shame. Sorry I can't offer you a pill to take, but that's the way it is. Atonement is a process that requires a rhythmic practice. Each day you atone. Each moment you forgive. When you breathe, are you blaming or letting go of blame? Or are you even aware of your thoughts and feelings? So, Carrie. It's time to move out of the head into the heart. The challenges are not intellectual ones. They are experiential ones. Blessings, Paul Dear Paul,
Holland, who work with the teachings of Sathya Sai Baba. Your books have helped many of us, in accepting our darker sides, through your clear and understanding words. I have shared several copies of " I am the Door" and "Love without conditions" with my "brothers and sisters", who are also working on the amazing process of self realization. I would like to learn how you feel about the increasing "Darkness" in the World (Middle East, Increasing Poverty in the Third World, Al Qaida, etc.) and the possibility of a new World Order where Light, Love, Forbearance and Righteousness rules. How do you see the near future of our planet and the advent of a possible "Golden Age"? With respect and gratitude, Pim Peter van Collem Dear Pim Peter:
We see the shadow rising now on the collective screen of consciousness. And with the shadow comes the necessity of facing our fears. We encounter everything in our individual and collective consciousness that is not aligned with love, so that we can learn to bring our love to it. It is a very challenging time. Whenever the shadow comes, there is light behind it. If we can hold our fears in a compassionate and loving way, the shadow will yield and we will see the light that has always been there. Fears may rise up, as they did for Jesus in the desert, but love will have the ultimate victory. Right now the whole planet is dwelling in the desert, facing its fears and its legacy of inequality. But as long as there is one human being here who is committed to equality and stays connected to love, fear will not prevail and the veils of denial and projection will be unable to obscure the truth. Like Sai Baba and Jesus, our responsibility is to stay connected to love, even when others around us are reacting in fear. Since love is a present reality, we can place our focus on what is happening right now, instead of worrying about what happened in the past or will happen in the future. Blessings, Paul |
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The Open Door Dear Paul, Q Marcel Dear Marcel,
At 23, the world I saw was the world of suffering. Yet I knew of this other world. I had glimpsed moments of grace. As dark as my perception was, I could not deny the existence of that other world. Nevertheless, if I looked for light to come to me from the outside, what I saw would simply confirm the existence of suffering. Since I could not find the light outside of me, I had to find the place where light began in my own heart We don't step onto a spiritual path until we begin to look within. It's that simple. But to think it is easy just because it is simple is the height of foolishness. When we start to look within, we see the inner reflection of the shapes that once moved before our eyes. We see the negativity we have internalized. And then we begin to feel our own pain, our own frustration, our hopelessness and despair. It isn't fun. Indeed, it is quite sobering. And it isn't surprising that we ask "Is this all that there is, Lord?" If we are courageous and we stay with the process, our eyes begin to adjust to the darkness of the underworld and then we realize that it isn't pitch black. There is some pale light there, but we don't know exactly from which direction it is coming. That's when our perception begins to shift. Instead of seeing the darkness we begin to see the light, however tiny and insignificant it seems. As we focus on that tiny ray of light and begin to follow it, it begins to get bigger and brighter. It doesn't happen over night, at least not usually. We have to be committed to our spiritual practice. But in time we begin to see the fruit of our efforts. We begin to see the world through the light and love we feel in our hearts. And the world that we see from that light and love is a very different world from the world we once saw through our impatience and our fear. So, dear brother, yours is not at all a special problem. It is a problem that is shared by every person who lives on the planet. When you touch another person's heart, you feel their joy and their pain as well as your own. That's how you know what the real ground zero is. It's not in New York City in the rubble of the world trade center. It's not in Hiroshima or in Auschwitz. It's right here, in your heart and mine. What any man or woman has done or will do is part of our collective shadow. We can't escape the pain of it. Everyone's pain is our pain. Everyone's suffering is our suffering. But the reverse is also true. Your joy is my joy. My capacity to love also belongs to you. We cannot avoid the darkness. A lot of people try to pretend that everything is light and there is no darkness. They live in denial until the thin shell around them begins to crack. Even a stray tennis ball can crack that shell, never mind a terminal diagnosis or the death of a loved one. Life challenges us with many events that bring us back to earth. The death of your partner clearly was one of those events in your life. In fact, not only did it bring you back to earth, it appears to have dug a very big crater in your heart. To expect to crawl out of that crater and go back to life as usual is a bit too much to ask. Your lesson is a deeper one. Your must learn to navigate the darkness. You must stay in the underworld until you see the light that lives in your heart. The love and joy you have experienced in the past were not just a result of someone else's presence in your life. They came from you. The Source of unconditional love is not external. In fact, few people find that Source when the door to the outside world is wide open. That is because their attention goes outside and they become caught in the many dramas of human existence. It takes the door closing to push us to look within. I wish I could tell you that everything will get better. But those words – even if they were successful in pacifying you for a few moments – would be false. I can't tell you that things will get better. I can't even tell you that things won't get worse. What I can tell you is that darkness and light commingle in this embodiment and that if you are seeing the darkness now there is light somewhere in it or around it. It is never very far away. If you have the courage not to deny the darkness or the pain, you will find the light and the place where the pain begins. Right now you inhabit the sanctuary. It is hallowed ground. Everything that happens there depends on you. There is a door there that will open. But you need to find it. There is no help coming from the outside. Stay in your process and you will find the door, open it and walk through it. When you do, the light will go with you back into the world. That is what happened when Jesus left the desert. The door that opened for him is the same door that will open for you. I wish you great courage and many blessings, Paul |
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Dear Mr. Ferrini;
I believe in God, I accept Christ and I know that I have an inner Spirit. There is a great desire in me to seek the love that exists in my heart and to serve that love. I guess my biggest problem with all if this is realizing that I need to rid myself of ingrained, learned, negative survival skills and make room for the true joy, peace, and happiness that is moving in. Here at the prison we have a group that meets every Tuesday night and we use a lot of your readings as a basis for discussion. The material has truly helped most of us. I just finished reading your latest book The Living Christ. I truly enjoyed it. I do have a couple of problems with some of the material, especially the part about homosexuality. You say that homosexuality is perverse but if it is done "out of love" it is okay. I have a problem with that. I don't think you can take something that is wrong, add human emotions to it, and then say that it is right. I think that's a big cop out. It also seems to me that you don't put much stock in Christ's life here and his crucifixion for us. Is this true and, if so, why? I am a hard-core guy who truly seeks the Christ in me and who with the help of you and others is learning that is okay to listen to my Spirit. Much respect, In Christ, Stephan Dear Stephan,
Regarding the homosexuality point, let me say this. We are all created equal, even though we may have differences in our religion, our race, our sexual preferences, and so forth. Homosexuals deserve the same rights as heterosexuals, including the right to marry and raise families. They have the same spiritual innocence and the same right to worship and to lead others in worship. In the book, Jesus claims that homosexuality is unnatural. He does not say that it is wrong. And he most certainly does not say that it is "bad." If you feel that homosexuality is wrong or bad, then it may be difficult for you to open your heart and love the gay people around you. And Jesus asked us to open our hearts to everyone, not just the people who share our race, religion or sexual preference. I would suggest to you that what is wrong or bad is "hurting" ourselves or others. That is why rape is a crime, and homosexuality is not. The catholic priests who abused young boys were not wrong because they were homosexuals. They were wrong because they had sex with minors and because they broke the trust of the parents who allowed their children to be with these priests thinking they were safe. Indeed, no form of consensual sex between adults is wrong per se. However, Jesus makes it clear that sex without love is addictive and leads to promiscuity and to suffering. I hope that you find this explanation helpful Blessings, Paul Dear Paul,
I am an openly gay man and have been all of my life. I am also a loving and compassionate brother to all that cross my path. Finding the Course in Miracles has been a great miracle in my life. I have been able to see Christ in a different light since I have devoted my life to truth. I see Jesus truly as a teacher of Love. I also speak to Him often in my heart and I love Him as my elder Brother and guide. I am regretful to inform you that the section on Homosexuality in your new book has made me feel betrayed once again by what seems to be the teachings of this great master. How can I follow a teacher that labels me as a harmless unnatural perversion? This is irreconcilable, incongruent, and terribly hurtful. Yes, I have read and re-read that section a number of times. I also tried to talk to him in my heart. I hear Him telling me that the filter of communication with you is not perfect (as I believe it is also imperfect with me) and you can think and express Him only through your filter and limitations. However this passage has put new bars on the Door for me and as I feel it has for many gay men and women that seek the truth and consider Christ their Door. It seems we, His "homosexual" sons have been excluded from Heaven once again! Dear Paul, we need clarification. Please devote some time to help us heal this divide. This is not His will because it is an unloving message. Love needs to be emphasized not any type of acts or labels. It is clear that we have to be loving and any loveless act will bring about suffering, but being gay is not unnatural, perverted, and labeling some people harmless is less than equal? My dear Lord thinks so of me? Is this what I am? I think I am probably not alone in my feelings about this matter and hope that you will help many of us with your healing clarification. Truly hopeful, Dear Tony,
Thanks for your loving and thoughtful letter. I don't believe that Jesus means that anyone is "less whole, less worthy, or less lovable than anyone else." Indeed, I believe that he is absolutely explicit about the equality of all people. I hope this helps. Blessings,
Jesus says I can change my mind at any time. I try to change my mind about the attitude of other people, but later there is all the guilt, grumpiness and ugly adversity. How does one heal? It seems to take forever. I have read that there is a part I must hand over to the Holy Spirit to help me with and have also done that, but, I am very stuck in my old way of guilt, projection and unforgiveness. I am a grandmother now and I believe it is by far time I move through all the unlovingness. Please show me a way. With much love, Ximena Dear Ximena,
If we were ready to forgive, we would do it easily and clearly. So the forgiveness process has a lot to do with looking at our unwillingness to forgive and seeing the pain that it brings to ourselves and others. We need to look at the untidy mess you mention, not with judgment about ourselves, but with clarity and compassion. We need to say "I see I still feel angry about this" instead of trying to force ourselves to forgive when we are not ready to do so. Giving the issue to The Holy Spirit means that you ask for help. You say "Lord, I still feel anger about this and I know that my anger is not helping me or anyone else. I would like to forgive but I don't know how. Can you please help?" And then when life provides you with an opportunity to move forward in your process, even though it might make you a bit uncomfortable, you stay with the process and move through. Yes, it may take a long time, although the amount of time depends on your willingness. And even though you want all this to be over and done with, you can't rush the process. If you push too hard, you will just hold yourself back. Be genuine and go at your own pace. When you knock on the door long enough, it eventually opens. Blessings, Paul |
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Hello Paul,
We were told, if we truly believed that God could heal us...he would. I am here to tell you, I know God could heal me...but he hasn't. I would truly appreciate hearing from you, on this subject. Namaste, Mary Kay Dear Mary Kay,
If you wish to pray for a healing, ask God to help you understand and remove any blocks to healing that might exist in your consciousness. Let God know that you are willing to be healed. Tell Him/Her what you would do with your life if this healing did occur. When you wake up in the morning, ask God for a "healed" consciousness. And live your day from the place of having received God's grace. Do not discuss this process with others once you have begun it. Let it be between you and God only. Every morning when you wake up, ask God "what would you have me do today?" Be God's disciple with the strength and capacities that you have. If more is added to you, dedicate that to the same loving service. Bless yourself and your family every day and do not find fault with your condition. Instead, ask "How can I serve you now with what I have?" How can I be happy right now knowing that you love me, Lord?" If you are at odds with your creator, you cannot be healed. But if you are one with Him/Her, you can serve regardless of your disability. I hope this helps. Paul |
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Opening Our Hearts to Our Own Pain Dear Paul:
My mother committed suicide more than ten years ago, when I was a university student. She hanged herself. I myself found her, and let her down from hanging. But it was too late. I loved her very much. But I didn't do anything to make her happy. I was too occupied with myself. I know this is poor excuse, but it was true. She literally poured "Love without conditions" into me. I can feel it even now. She was humble and little words woman. But I was/am sticking to my own ego. I regret, but I can not help it. I am very selfish man. I have been married for 7 years, but now about to divorce. What does God expect me to do? I'm really tired of living without knowing the purpose of my life. Please help me. Yoshi Dear Yoshi,
Sometimes, we bury our pain and try to pretend that everything is okay. Your mother might have done this. And you too might be doing it. We often push people away because letting them in where they can see our pain is scary for us. Yet if we don't let anyone in, we don't experience real intimacy. And without intimacy, life is but a shell. Its fullness is not experienced. Are you pushing your wife away because you are too scared to let her in? If so, she will leave, but the fear and the unexplored pain will remain with you. You ask what God wants from you. Actually it is a very simple thing. God wants you to open your heart. Of course, if you do, you might have to feel your pain, your guilt and your sorrow about your mother's death. But that will just be the beginning. Behind that pain is a man who wants to love and be loved. You can't open your heart unless you find that man. Hope this helps. Love and Blessings, Paul Dear Paul: Q Devon Dear Devon,
While they were waiting, a bus came by and offered them a ride to the next town, but they turned down the driver's offer and turned their attention to the sky. They waited a very long time – several days in fact – and when nothing happened, they all decided to go home. Unfortunately, they didn't stay at home very long. They left as soon as the next traveling salesman came through town offering high speed elevator rides to the pearly gates. This is what I know: Progress on the spiritual path doesn't happen unless we are willing to stay at home and look at our own shadow. Generally speaking, I have found that the people who are afraid to look at their shadowy material are the ones who are looking for the rocketship ride to heaven. It isn't easy to come to terms with our human imperfection, but until we learn to hold all of who we are in a loving embrace, we can't experience our divinity. As for "creating our own reality" vs. "surrender" I would say that we can't create our own reality unless we learn to "surrender" to what is. And we have to keep surrendering our concepts of what we think our life is supposed to look like if we are to see the real opportunities for growth that are offered to us. As we work with accepting ourselves and others as we are moment to moment, we open to the presence of love. We also see the blocks that we have to opening. Recognizing the blocks and surrendering to love are simultaneous events. They are two aspects of the same process. I'm afraid you aren't going to be able to "flush" out the anger or "the little devil inside." But if you make friends with them, you will see they aren't as bad as you think they are. In fact, as you learn to hold the angry little kid lovingly, his anger will turn to tears and then you can hold him and give him the love he has always wanted but been unable to receive. Hope this helps. Blessings, Paul We Don't Have to "Get Rid" of our Judgments Dear Paul, Q Louise
When you learn to bring enough love, the judgment has very little power to keep recycling or to provoke reactive behavior. Hope this helps. Paul Not Seeking Enlightenment Dear Paul, Q
Blessings, Paul |
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Dear Paul: Q A Blessings, Q A Q A
Blessings, Q
Saying "I'm scared" when you feel scared is being emotionally congruent. Pretending not to be scared when you are terrified is incongruent with what you are feeling. We have to honor where we are at, like it or not. And those who live with us have to learn to honor where we are at, or they will be helping us to sow the seeds of sorrow. You see, there isn't a "do it or don't do it" answer to your question. If you make friends with your fear, you may find that it subsides by itself. If so, great. You'll be able to get on the motorcycle and go! If not, then you need to keep acknowledging your fear and being gentle with yourself. You can't force yourself not to be afraid. That strategy generally creates more fear. Blessings, Paul Q God bless, Marcella Dear Marcella,
Relationships inevitably become realistic and the fantasy falls apart. And then all you are left with are your natural compatibility and mutual desire for partnership or lack of it. If you have shared interests, a basic "like" for and acceptance of each other, emotional maturity, and realistic expectations of the relationship, it has a chance of prospering. From what you say, you need to work on the last two factors. Emotional maturity means knowing that another person cannot fill up the hole in your heart. That is your responsibility. You need to love and affirm yourself day by day, moment by moment. That is the spiritual challenge of your life and everybody's life. Without your love for yourself, nothing works. No amount of love from your partner is enough. The search for love from other people is like the alcoholic's search for happiness in a bottle. The more he drinks, the less satisfied he feels and the more he wants to drink. We are all addicted to falling in love. But after we've "fallen" a few times and broken our emotional bones, we hopefully wise up a bit. We know that high of falling in love is not going to last. We know that sooner or later we will have to get real with each other. That is the difference between romance and partnership. Romance is an attempt to keep the addiction going. It has a very short half-life. Partnership is the dance of two ordinary people learning to live together day by day. It is a very challenging school that we enroll in. It is sometimes a lot more work than play. And it certainly requires a lot more psychological adjustment than years of therapy! We don't just graduate from this school in a year or two. It takes many years, perhaps even a lifetime, for us to master the curriculum. So what are your expectations from your partner and the relationship? Do you expect him to always love you, tell you that you are beautiful and bring you flowers? Do you expect him never to be bored with you or with himself? Do you expect him to be a God or a human being? And what do you expect of yourself? Your partners are imperfect human beings, just like you. They were not the "wrong" partner any more than you were. Probably, they reflected your own level of realism and emotional maturity. That's usually the way it works. So don't waste your time thinking you simply made some bad choices. The only bad choice you made was forgetting who has the full time job loving you. I know that you know who this is! Jealousy and the insecurity that it comes from means two things. You aren't loving yourself enough and you aren't trusting your partner to love you. Whenever we ask more from other people than they are able to give, we set ourselves up for disappointment. The solution is either to ask for less or to ask for what we need but release our expectations about how others respond to us. Instead, we thank them for hearing us and trust them to do the best that they can. We keep remembering that they are not perfect, nor are we. Love is not a game of perfection. It is a game of overwhelming imperfection. The amazing thing is that love survives all of our mistaken attempts to control our partners and our relationships. In that respect, it is quite a wonderful, resilient thing. We can learn a lot from it, if we are willing. I hope that this helps. Blessings, Paul
What dies and What is Resurrected: An Easter Question Dear Paul,
Wasn't it possible for Jesus to avoid telling a lie without provoking Pilate or the Sanhedrin? Jesus was able to use language in an excellent rhetorical way. Why did he not use his talent? Was the crucifixion a kind of atonement? For what? This manner of death is only cruel, painful and lengthy. You can see how perplexed I am? Can you help me? Christiane A Blessings, Paul |
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Dear Paul,
As a child,I was abused physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually. I remember as a child this lady took me to church. She was nice to my brother and did not get mad at us, even when we caused disturbances. She told me that you can ask Jesus into your heart and he will come in and take over your life if you are willing to give it too him. I was. I remember praying in my room that night and giving my heart to him and I thought life was going to change but later my father came into my room and did his thing and I felt so broken inside. It was not that I didn't believe in God but I felt that God didn't believe in me. I had pulled too many wings out of too many flies. I had stolen too much stuff, and beat up too many people and Jesus could not help because I was too bad. When I was 30 I had a psychotic break on my birthday. I snapped and stood in front of a church and screamed because it was closed. I wanted them to open up so I could talk to God. Then I had an experience I will never ever forget. I got sent into the hospital and put into restraints. Before this happened my ex-husband did witness blood coming from my hands. I also saw my whole life pass before my eyes as though I was dying. I could not breathe. Every time took a breath it felt like cement was filling up in my insides. I have never known what it is too love myself and have hurt myself very badly in this life through cutting, slashing, burning, drugs, anorexia, bulimia, over eating, love and sex addiction. I am so tired of all the confusion and just want to know what God wants me to do? I have seen so much with these eyes. I have started A.A. meetings in prisons and I have been in the toughest insane asylums. I have seen the beauty and love within the worst of mankind.. I want to live the life I believe God wants me to live but I am afraid if I stop fantasizing about the future or living in the past I will fall through the earth because here and now it hurts so bad. The only reason I have not killed myself as many friends of mine have is because I don't want to come back and have to go through all this hell again. I have been on mental disability for 12 yrs. and have not been out in the world very much within this time. Although this year I managed to get a divorce, my high school diploma and my driver's permit. I like to sing and play guitar and draw and I make really neat things out of sticks and stones. I have a lot of talent yet I can not feel it. Deep inside there's always that voice that says you're too stupid, too old, too screwed up. I am afraid of success and feel that the hiding I have done has been a passive suicide for my soul. I have helped countless people but am not good at helping myself. I should have been dead a hundred times over but I'm not. I'm not that alive either though. I love you and your message, I am trying so hard and have all my life. I would love it if you could say a prayer for me and e-mail me back with anything that you could think of to help me get further along on the path. God Bless Shari Dear Shari,
My sense is that you need to begin a concrete spiritual practice in your life. Only such a practice will give you the support that you need to face each day with some measure of faith and optimism. Going to church is great, but the real church is within your own heart. And you need to visit that church every single day. You are not all the horrible things that have happened to you. If you continue to believe that you are a victim of the past, you will continue to recreate that past. I don't think you want to do that. From this day onward, I want you to think of yourself in a new way. When you get up in the morning, I want you to remember to bless yourself and give thanks for the gift of life. When something difficult happens, I want you to remember that you are here to love yourself and that loving yourself is the challenge of this moment. From now on, don't focus on how other people treat you, but on how you treat yourself. If you are spending time with an abusive person, then you aren't treating yourself very well, are you? So remember, "I deserve to be treated in a loving way" and I am going to treat myself that way by getting out of any unloving environment, situation, or relationship." Don't try to give this responsibility for loving you to anyone else. It is your responsibility alone. Please embrace it fully. Your assignment is a simple one. Love yourself right now! If you forget, just remember your assignment and start practicing. It's okay to forget, because as soon as you remember you forgot, you are practicing. Breathe deeply and keep telling yourself "I am responsible for loving myself in this moment. If I don't love myself, no one else will. The love of others can reach me only if I am loving myself." If you are one-pointed in this practice, things will improve. You can betray yourself only by refusing to love yourself. When you love yourself, all self betrayal comes to an end. When self-betrayal comes to an end, others will not betray you. Your life will change. This is a simple assignment, but not an easy one. It will take every bit of strength you have to stay with it. Yet take heart: the more you practice, the stronger you will get and the easier the practice will become. I believe that you have already taken a number of positive steps in your life and I am certain they will bear fruit. Be patient and committed to your healing process. You deserve your love. You deserve your respect. You deserve the opportunity to celebrate your gifts and offer them to others. Once you learn to offer the cup of love to yourself and accept the nourishment that goes with it, you will experience real empowerment and you will begin to see the concrete results of this practice in your life. I send you my love and my blessings. Paul Dear Paul:
I have been reading Love Without Conditions and suspect that I acted out my many fears of child abuse. I want to end the cycle of violence. I'm not sure that I could have just not said anything, and yet I did attack by confronting the situation. How do I move beyond this terrible situation. I do feel that I acted out of fear...fear of continued family violence, fear that the child will be harmed by his father's harsh words and now physical actions, and also the conflict of a dad who is mostly loving, but often critical and harsh. Even saying this makes me feel like I am attacking my son, whom I love very much. What can I do? I am feeling badly about my own behavior, but I didn't feel that I could just let it go by and not try to intervene on behalf of my young grandson. He is in therapy and taking medication and seeing a psychiatrist, and I believe that it is based on this inconsistency in the home and the harshness in the home. My son will not discuss this will me and I do fear for all of the members in that family. Lizt Dear Lizt,
I am not telling you that you should not have intervened (I really don't know whether your intervention was appropriate or not) but I am asking you to look at your own issues here, not your son's or even your grandson's. Were your buttons pushed? If so, your intervention was reactive. And that means that you are going to project your fears onto someone else – perhaps your grandson with whom you identify – and attack your son whom you see as some abuser, perhaps because you see him acting out the behavior of someone else who hurt you (his father? your father?). If you want to understand the cycle of violence, begin by understanding your part in it. Why do you identify with victims? How were you victimized? Or were you both victim and abuser? Did you ever hit your son? Were you ever hit? Go into all this. Keep in mind that victimizers have usually been victims in the past. That is how the cycle of violence continues. And, as Jesus says, it is passed down for seven generations until someone sees the whole pattern and decides to change it in him or herself. Are you that person? Are you willing to look at yourself that deeply? All victims need to understand how to stand up for themselves without attacking others. Victimizers have the same lesson. Both have guilt to deal with. The victim feels guilty because he feels that he invited the attack by not standing up for himself. And the victimizer feels guilty because he attacked another person instead of having the courage to face his own anger. Please don't try to find your son's issue here. You need to focus on your own and give your son the space to take responsibility for his pain and his guilt if and when he is ready. The Affinity Process teaches us how to take appropriate responsibility. It shows us how we can be authentic and tell the truth about what is going on with us without projecting our issues onto others and attacking them. I highly recommend that you consider undertaking this powerful practice. It is described in my book Living in the Heart. Suppose for a moment that you were able to use the Affinity Guidelines in the situation that just occurred with your son. First, you would have had the recognition "Wow, my buttons are really being pushed by what my son just did. I am furious with him." Then you would have taken time to own your anger and to get in touch with its source. Then, you would have spoken, not in a projective or critical way toward your son, but in a way that took total responsibility for your own psycho-emotional state. You might have said something like this. "Son, I am really being triggered right now, because I see that I am blaming you for what just happened. I have a lot of anger coming up. I want to rescue my grandson, maybe because I identify with him, maybe because when I was a little girl my father hit me when he got angry. And I have a lot of anger about that. So I know that even though I want to direct my anger at you and blame you about what just happened, this is really about me. It is about my anger and my pain and my frustration. And I just couldn't sit here and not say something about what's coming up for me. Thanks for letting me tell you. I'm really scared right now, because I'm afraid that you will be mad at me for speaking up. I really love you and I'm afraid of losing your love. And I know that's my issue. It's so hard for me to speak up – I am used to keeping my mouth shut to please others -- and when I do speak up, it's often because I am triggered and I don't do it in a very nice way. Anyway, I hope that you can see how hard this is for me. And even though you triggered me, I know everything that is coming up now is about me, not about you." In other words, you own it all. It has nothing to do with him. You make that clear. And if he wants to own anything, he is free to do so, but you don't try to fix him. You don't try to make him face something he isn't ready or willing to face. You just take responsibility for your stuff. This may not seem like much, but it is entirely revolutionary! Why? Because you did not sit quiet and squelch you feelings. And you did not blame and attack. You played neither victim nor victimizer. You told the truth without condemning anyone. And that, my dear sister, is the way to peace. And it starts in our own hearts and minds. We have to get it before we can expect anyone else to get it. We have to internalize it and model it. Then others can see the fruits of our work. That is how the cycle of violence is broken. As the song says, "let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me." Blessings, Paul |
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I firmly believe that I AM and living in my Christ consciousness is my preventative maintenance but NA is a fellowship, and it resides in Love. It is a healing force. Currently, there are no Affinity groups in Colorado and I cannot partake in the fellowship at The Saint Germain Foundation Sanctuary because of my past use of drugs. They say that because I have used drugs my progression will be slower and I would hold the classes/students up. It is very easy to attain this knowledge but to hold fast and still myself without any consistent influence is hard. My good friend Jason and his girl friend are really the only friends I have who have this sort of knowledge. Jason is also not allowed to go to the I AM Sanctuary either due to his drug use. It seems like a contradiction on the Sanctuary' s part as well. I would appreciate your feedback. Greg Dear Greg,
Be grateful they don't want you or Jason. Some people understand unity teaching. Others do not. Teachers like Jesus empower us to be the fullness of who we are without becoming conceited or immodest. They know that spiritual pride is as much an impediment on the path as is victim consciousness. There is no contradiction between the twelve step teaching and the authentic teachings of empowerment, at Jesus gave them. But in order to grasp this you need to understand something about Judaism. Jesus, after all, was a devout Jew. He understood that any attempt to define God through concepts and images was counterproductive. God could be known directly, but He could not be described or contained in any concept. The statement "I and the Father are One" is a not an intellectual concept, but a statement of direct experience. The problem with the teaching you are talking about is that it gives you the concept without the experience. When you or I say "I and the Father are One" it does not mean the same thing that it means when Jesus says it. That isn't because the statement applies any less to you or me than it does to Jesus, but because the words on our tongues ring a bit hollow, because we do not have the same level of experience that Jesus has, and therefore we do not have the same certainty as to the truth of these words that he has. When the addict says "I am a powerful person" it has even less of a ring of truth, because the addict does not believe these words. Indeed, saying these words is an act of denial and pretense. Now the teachings of Jesus are not about denial, but about telling the truth, to oneself and others. So when the addict says "I am powerless over my addiction," he is being more authentic than when he says "I am powerful." And that is not because he in his true nature is powerless, but because he as an addict is powerless. And he needs to admit that he is an addict, because pretending that he isn't stuck won't win him freedom. Only admitting that he is stuck and asking for help will enable him to begin to move from addiction toward freedom. Of course, he is not ultimately powerless, but "ultimately" means nothing when he is in the grip of his addiction. That is why he is encouraged to go step by step and take one day at a time. He cannot deal with "ultimately." He has to deal with right now. Addicts who believe they are Christ are not uncommon. But they don't have much credibility. Nor do the people who want to exclude them from heaven because they are or were addicts. You see the foolishness of all this? When you are ready for the thirteen step, you take it. That is organic and natural. It doesn't require an ideology. By then you are strong enough to empower yourself. But when you are trying to take the first step, you need a lot of honesty and a lot of help and support. Twelve step communities are some of the most successful in all of human history in providing support for people in crisis. And the beauty of the program is that when you have lifted yourself up, you can reach back and give a hand to the person coming behind you. No, not in a prideful way, but in a deeply modest way, because you know that it wasn't that long ago that you were walking in their moccasins. Can you imagine one addict saying to another "Sorry, we don't allow drug addicts in this program?" Jesus asked "who would throw the first stone?" Why? Because we are all addicts and prostitutes. We are all lepers and untouchables. We are all imperfect and completely human. For Jesus, no one was any better or more worthy than anyone else. And this was not just an idea be believed. It was a living truth he demonstrated with every step he took and each word that came from his mouth. And those who follow his teaching do the same. Did Mother Teresa tell the orphans they couldn't join her club because they weren't baptized or didn't have a proper diet? Did Ghandi ban Muslims from his march to the sea? Only one who ever so deeply knows that S/he is God can see God in everyone. And, as far as I am concerned, those who don't know it that deeply, should hold their tongues. Blessings, Paul P.S. If you start an Affinity Group, then there will be one in Colorado! In fact, I know a lot of Coloradans waiting for you or someone else to start a group so that they can join it. Unfortunately, they live in different cities. In your case, an Affinity Group for those in your twelve step group who are ready for it would be ideal.
Saffron Dear Saffron,
Find out for yourself. You are responsible for the choices you make. Do affirmations really work? Do they substantially change your consciousness and experience? Jesus said "Resist not Evil." If he were using today's lingo, he might say something like "what you resist, persists." If you are angry at someone and you try to replace your angry thoughts with loving thoughts, one of two things will happen. Either you will be successful at repressing the anger (a form of denial) so that it continues to exist in your psyche even though you pretend that it isn't there. Or you won't be successful. Actually, here it's advantageous not to succeed, because then you will have to deal with the anger, acknowledge it, find out what triggered it, etc. Anger is not transformed through denial, but through understanding. How can you understand your angry thoughts if you are always trying to avoid them? Unfortunately, much of the so called "new age" teaching encourages us to hide our negative thoughts/emotions behind a wall of denial and wallpaper over them with positive ones. Unfortunately, at the first major sign of stress, the wallpaper comes peeling off the wall. Jesus knew there was no genuine spirituality that did not deal with the shadow. That is why he said "love your enemy." Now, your enemy may be within – it might be the anger you are resisting – or it may be without – it may be an angry person on whom you have projected your anger. Either way, s/he deserves your acknowledgement. Let me put it another way. There are two ways that we can deal with fear. 1. Deny our fear and pretend that we are not afraid. 2. Admit that we are afraid and face our fear. The first way takes us round and around in circles of avoidance and projection. The second way leads us to face to face with ourselves. Those who believe in the "let's make everything dark go away so we don't have to deal with it" school of spirituality are afraid of this face to face confrontation, because they assume that "if we really knew who were are, we wouldn't like ourselves." Their way out of this dilemma is a rather simple, but deft one: "let's pretend to be someone else." Interesting agenda, is it not? I would suggest to you that those who run away from the darkness will not find the light. But those who face the darkness will find the light inside themselves. When you enter the spiritual path, no one tells you that everyday is Halloween. Oh, well, welcome to the funny house. There isn't anyone here who isn't a little crazy. And the craziest ones are the ones pretending not to be crazy! And now about affirmations…….????? Ciao, Paul
In fact, the loss of an individual perception of the world seems to be a prerequisite of enlightenment. Sometimes I feel so close to something incredibly wonderful - and frightening - but find myself unable to let go of the conviction expressed above and do not want to. It seems as though I have to loose the feeling of "Christ" to go further. I look forward to hearing from you. John
I believe that as long as we are afraid of losing something we value, we cannot move into this state of being/consciousness which is beyond the personal. We cannot voluntarily give up something until it no longer has value for us. When we cease to value our ego consciousness, it isn't hard to move past it. While eastern and western spirituality have different flavors, both are talking about moving beyond our ego structure. Both are about surrender to a higher power or a more all-inclusive state of being. Please don't worry about the words here. Christ and Buddha are not very different, even if their followers profess to be. But when either one becomes a dogmatic concept, they block our journey toward freedom. If Christ is a noose around your neck, by all means take it off. One Zen master told his disciple that if he met the Buddha on the street he should kill him! Strange advise for a pacifist, eh? When our Gods become too big, we need to bring them down to size. Don't let words and concept block your way from surrendering to the truth of your being. That truth is beyond words. Just stay with your fear of losing self and you may learn a thing or two. Remember, Jesus said we had to die and be reborn to enter the kingdom of heaven. That death is the death of ego-consciousness. I hope this helps. Blessings, Paul
Carl Dear Carl,
But all of us are here to learn something and to express some gift. Learning what we are here to learn and expressing the gift we come here with are lifelong challenges. Sometimes our lessons are so challenging, we feel overwhelmed and beaten up. We wonder if we have any gift at all, or if we do, if anyone wants to receive it. Is it possible that we are the ones getting in our own way, blocking our gift from expressing through our own fear and insecurity? If so, there's some adjustment we must learn to make. Have you made the adjustments life is asking you to make? Have you gotten out of your own way? You don't have to heal everyone or cure all the suffering in the world to begin to move away from your own suffering toward grace. You just need to take one step in the direction of your own healing. Blessings, Paul |
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