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Yet, as time passed, I came to see that my heart was also opened. I was deeply changed. When my husband died, my world turned upside-down. Later, I came to see that the “normal” world is upside-down—and that, in fact, things were only now the right way up in my own life. I had been restored to sanity. I realized clearly what matters—and it’s not a fancy house, or retirement savings or a corner office.
What matters is love. The love we share with our friends and family. The love we share with strangers. The only thing of real, lasting value is love.
As time passed, my heart turned more and more towards spiritual values and away from the ways of the world. I saw that God faithfully provided for me and for my son—one day at a time. I saw His protective and loving hand in so many miracles in my life. I received dreams that changed my life and gave me guidance. I witnessed my prayers being answered. I heard His voice. I no longer felt abandoned and punished by God. I felt loved and cherished.
But I missed having a spiritual community that I could resonate with. When I went to church, I felt that blessings were mixed with bullets. The Jesus in my heart was more loving, more compassionate, and more empowering than the Jesus I met in church.
I often asked myself, “What would Jesus do?” and I wished that I could know the answer a little more clearly. I wondered what Jesus would teach if he were alive today. My prayers for clarity and guidance were answered when my fiancé handed me his dog-eared copy of “Love Without Conditions” by Paul Ferrini.
As I read it, I could barely believe my good fortune. I was overjoyed! This was the Jesus I knew in my heart. This is what he would share if he were alive today. I felt as though I was sitting under a tree with Jesus, and he was talking directly to me. In plain words, He was sharing profound and powerful Truth.
I read and re-read “Love Without Conditions” and studied it every morning (and later I studied Paul’s other books). Each time I read Paul’s words, something new would strike my heart and resonate with issues I was grappling with in my own life. I felt guided how to apply these teachings, and that I had a more clear answer to my question, “What would Jesus do?”
One thing Jesus would do is comfort those who mourn. Over a decade had passed since my husband’s death. I had come through my own heartbreak and was now happy again, and I felt called to reach out and comfort others who were heart-broken. I felt that if I shared my own process of grieving, reeling, and healing, they would not feel alone.
When I was grieving, I wondered if what I was experiencing was normal. I wondered if my agony would ever end. I wondered what I needed to do to heal. At times, I wondered if I’d be better off committing suicide. I knew others facing the agony of a broken heart must wonder these same things. And I knew some of these people didn’t have such a compelling reason to live as I did—thanks to my sweet 4-year-old son.
I resolved to share my own intimate diary of healing. But I struggled with the fact that if I revealed the truth, people might condemn me. On the other hand, if I didn’t reveal the truth, people would not receive the gift that I wanted to give. They might somehow think that they were doing it wrong. That they were “failing at grieving.” That was unacceptable.
I decided that it was worth it to me to be “naked on the page” if I could ease the suffering of just one soul. Paul Ferrini’s words in “Love Without Conditions: Reflections of the Christ Mind” confirmed my resolve and gave me the strength to do what was right. In fact, I photocopied his words and taped them to my computer as I finalized the manuscript for my book, “From Heartbreak to Happiness: An Intimate Diary of Healing.”
This is what Paul wrote:
- “Confess to yourself. Confess to your mate, your boss, even to the stranger on the street. Do not be concerned about what people think. You are transmitting a revolutionary teaching. Your confession gives others permission to look at their own mistakes with compassion.
- A woman who admits her mistakes is a beacon of light to others. She has shed her cloak of darkness. Light shines through her, for her mind is transparent, a clear channel through which truth flows without effort.
- Her brother and sister know immediately that she can be trusted and they reach out to take her hand. Such a woman is a true priest. Having forgiven her own sins, she can extend that forgiveness to others. Her authority does not come from outside, but from within. She has been ordained by no authority of the world. Yet each person who comes to her recognizes her, trusts her, and confides in her.”
Those words were my beacon of light as I finalized my book. Paul continues,
- “Now consider the truth, my friend. You cannot have secrets from me or from your brother and leave your suffering behind. To end suffering, you must end all forms of deceit in your life. And that can only be done by telling the truth, to yourself, to me, and to your brother.”
The great ironic joke of the whole thing is that when my book was published, I was astonished that people did not condemn me. They loved me. They trusted me. Because they knew that I was just like them. Paul was right.
I witnessed the same reaction when other people shared their innermost secrets with near-strangers when I attended a Christ Mind retreat with Paul Ferrini in Vermont. They did not condemn. They opened their hearts to each other. Unconditional love blossomed.
Before meeting Paul, I fretted that the man would not live up to the Christ consciousness that flows through his pen. But Paul-the-man did not disappoint me. He is compassionate. He is human. He is humble. He’s able to create and hold a safe space for people to confess their shame, their guilt, their grief, and bring it up to the light of day to be healed and released. And he’s able to teach others how to hold that safe space for themselves and others.
All of us who have chosen to work closely with Paul seek to model this teaching and create a safe space for others to heal and stand in their power and fullness as human beings. If you’re ready for healing, if you’d like to feel loved unconditionally, if you’re willing to step into your power and be a beacon of light for others, please join us in Connecticut in July. I’ll be there sharing my experiences and holding a space for all who are ready to recover from the grief of losing a loved one. If you are one of those people, I hope that you will attend my workshop described below.
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