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During my time away at college I finally began coming to terms with all the feelings I was having. I had been having them in high school, but I did not understand them and I was having trouble accepting them. I finally realized I was gay. It was very hard for me because I knew my church and many Christian churches look at this a choice and even worse a sin.
I felt isolated from any form of religion and became extremely angry at organized religion, God, Jesus and especially Christians. It felt like the ultimate form of betrayal to be created a certain way by God only to have God’s own people call you a sinner or perverted. I can remember from an early age the shame I felt from feeling different and never feeling safe to share these feelings. Shame is such a powerful painful energy and as I found can be very destructive on one's heart and spirit.
For fourteen years I thought I was hiding my sexuality from my family and finally I decided to come out to them. So I wrote them all a letter and told them I wanted to hear back from each of them if they still loved me and wanted a relationship with me.
Imagine how nervous I was as I waited to hear from my six siblings and my parents!
I had made the choice to live a truthful life even if it meant losing friends and my family. The pain of hiding had become too much for me and I knew the truth at any cost would set me free.
The good news is my family was very supportive and loving to me. It is because of this unconditional love from my family that I was able to venture down the path of healing my relationship with God and Jesus.
It has taken time and support to work through this anger and sense of victimhood I felt around being gay and the way I felt so judged by religion. I am still finding more layers to this pain as I go through the Mastery Program. Being gay is just a small part of who I am but the pain and shame I felt growing up gay was very real. Through this work, I have found I am responsible for who I am and what I do in response to the judgments I may experience and feel in this world. I can see that these judgments are only a reflection of how I was judging myself.
I believe, gay people are a part of the great diversity in this world. It is simply another challenge in seeing beyond our differences to see that there really are no differences and the trick is, I have to believe and embrace this truth first!
Almost two years ago, it seemed like my life was falling apart and I stumbled into this work with Paul and what has now become my spiritual family. My college basketball coaching career of 15 years was ending in a “not so pleasant” way, my relationship of six years was failing and I was in a lot of pain. My self confidence or self love was at an all time low and I just did not know what to do to make my life better.
Through this Spiritual Mastery Program and “The Laws of Love” book, I have discovered some of my primary wounds and how these wounds may actually be my gift to the world. I can now see it is through our pain that we find our life purpose. My pain and struggle as a college coach helped me to develop a successful new career teaching and supporting other coaches. And my pain as gay woman helped me to begin healing my wounds and sharing my story so that I could support other women who are feeling the same pain.
Probably the most profound insight I have gained in the Spiritual Mastery program is the balance between Mother God and Father God energy. I never grew up with any concept of the feminine side of God but through this program I have found that balancing the two energies of God are my path to peace. I have now learned how being with Mother God and letting her hold me with unconditional love is teaching me to hold myself in that same love and compassion. I have learned that I must come from this place before I can serve with my Father God energy out in the world. I always knew I needed to love myself but this image of Mother-Father God has given me the perspective to see the necessary balance of the two in my heart, in my life and daily spiritual practice. It is hard to feel at peace if these two energies are not in balance. The last two years I have come to Mother God to heal my heart and love myself without conditions and with compassion.
Now, I see God as my coach. And God is looking down the bench as I lace up my red high top tennis shoes, preparing to get into the game. Healing to me, has been working towards the moment in the game when I say, “Put me in Coach!”
I’m ready to get in the game and play my role for the team.
Through this spiritual family, I have found it is our pain that connects us and gives me the safe space to embrace my pain. I now know, no one can heal alone. We need other people and their love and acceptance to heal. Even though my pain may come from a different life experience, pain is pain regardless of the “package” it may come in.
Recently, Paul asked me to step up to the plate and play a major role in helping to create the Awakening the Feminine Spirit conference July 21-25th in Connecticut. I have run conferences for my women coaches, so I have had some experience in this area. Now I am blessed to use some of my skills in the service of a work that is very dear to my heart: healing and empowerment for women. As a coach, nothing gives me greater joy than seeing my players play to their full potential. As a woman, nothing gives me greater joy than seeing other women come into their power as human beings.
We all have many gifts to give. All we need is a little support and encouragement. For the last year and a half, I have had that support and encouragement on my path from the other Spiritual Mastery students. It has made an extraordinary difference in my life.
Do yourself a favor and join us this summer at our conference. We all come bearing gifts and we will all leave receiving gifts we could not have anticipated. That I know for sure. See you all in Connecticut!
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