In 1988 my life shifted in a major way due to the death of my sister. I told my friend Sandra that I was feeling out of control with my emotions and was thinking about getting some help. She said "I know just the person that you can see. His name is Napoleon Butler and he helped me to get through my brother's death.  You can get to see him on a sliding fee scale."
   On the day of the appointment I walked into the office not knowing what to expect. I had not had any sleep for a very long time. I had been somewhat an insomniac for most of my life and the lack of sleep from the stress of my sister's death had compounded the problem. I walked in and found that I felt quite comfortable with him. It felt as though I had known him all of my life. He asked the necessary questions to get my history and then, after setting up another appointment, he told me to go home and take a long warm bath before going to bed. He asked me to get a bottle of lotion and rub my body all over with it as though I were nurturing a newborn baby. I was in so much pain that even though this sounded foreign to me I was willing to try anything and consented to do just that. That night I slept like a baby. It was all that I needed to inspire me to keep going back.
       My journey to healing began at what seemed like warp speed. Mr. Butler asked me to tell him what I knew about my family going as far back as I could recall. I told him the little that I knew.  My mother's mother had died in her early sixties of cirrhosis of the liver. She was the mother of nine children and I knew nothing of a grand father. My mother had died at the age of forty-four also with cirrhosis and stomach cancer. My father's father was physically abusive and left my grandmother to raise seven children on her own. I was told that he was a master builder and had his own company during the times when it was uncommon for blacks to own anything. I used to hear my mother say that he was a mean man.
     Little did I know what lessons I would have pertaining to master builders, but more about that later. After hearing my story Mr. Butler said,  “Karen, how could you have come out of all of that and not be affected by it in some way?” I said to him “I don't know but this is where the chain breaks and I will do whatever I have to do so that I don’t pass this legacy on to my children any more than what I already have.” I felt a conviction that came from the core of my being that I had never felt before. I now had something to work with and it was a truckload of garbage that had been handed down generation after generation. I knew that I had to call upon all the strength that I had within me to make sure that I walked away alive and well emotionally, physically and spiritually. I knew that I had a painful journey ahead of me but my desire to heal far outweighed my fear of what it would take to heal.
     And so it was.  I went to support groups like Al anon and Codependents Anonymous and even checked myself into a psychiatric hospital during a severe panic attack a few years later. None of this am I ashamed of. In fact I am grateful for all of this because it got me to where I am today, able to tell this story and share some of my healing process without falling apart. Through the process, I found a strength in me that I did not know that I had. That strength enabled me to go back through the darkness to find the light so I could learn to live a life free from the pain of the past.  Today, I am a witness to the fact that healing is possible for all of us if we have the willingness to pursue it.
     My life was no piece of cake and my challenges were significant ones. I was a very angry person who felt victimized by the world. I could not even visualize that joy was something that I could have. I felt miserable and could not see beyond the misery. But I sought healing and little by little I have come through the dark tunnel of my pain. Today, I can honestly say that I live a life that increasingly is filled with of peace, love and joy from the inside out. Of course, my healing journey continues, but I am starting from a different place. I am building my life on a new foundation.
     That brings me to a story I would like to share with you. It is a story about a major healing that happened recently in my life.

Building My Life on a New Foundation

     Truth always seems to come when the student is ready. After years of working on my issues and feeling that one of the big puzzle pieces in my healing journey was missing, I was guided to the Spiritual Mastery Program.  The program has helped me to understand and heal from my emotional trauma and see what the gifts are that I bring to others.
     Here’s an example of a lesson I recently learned. My husband and I started to build our new home in August of 2004. The process started off with delays. It took several months to get the land cleared and then the contractor delayed laying the footing. Then he let the footing wall sit unfinished for three months and the wall collapsed.
     Working with Paul has helped me to understand that this traumatic building project was a mirror of my life. Like the foundation of my house, the emotional foundation on which I had built my life was inadequate. I was not living my life in an empowered, authentic way. I was not being true to myself.  So everything that I tried to build on that foundation simply fell apart. I began to realize that I was harboring a belief that if anything good was going to come to me I had to suffer to get it. That awareness alone gave me the courage to confront the contractor in a very loving way and let him go.
     So we hired a new contractor and thought everything was moving along well, but this new builder brought a lesson that would literally shake the foundation of my belief system.  The first sign of difficulty came when I asked for receipts and he told me “he did not work that way.”  Intuitively I knew that was a red flag, but I didn’t listen to my intuition.   Instead, I betrayed my own truth in order to have a house that I thought would make me feel good enough.
     This was an old, deep-seated pattern that I had learned early in my childhood. I had grown up in the project. My father had left when I was about two or three and my mother had been caught up in her alcoholism. I had major issues around abandonment and neglect, yet I learned to ignore my needs and to pretend that I didn't feel what I felt. 
     So ignoring the guidance that I was getting from my gut about this builder was  normal behavior for me.   I started to feel uncomfortable each time I would write a check to him, but still I continued to ignore my feelings. 
   Finally, the city inspection department stopped the project in late June of 2005. We learned then that the framing and structural system was inadequate and couldn't pass city codes. The contractor was ordered to call in a structural engineer who told us that the slab foundation was inadequate under all the weight-bearing walls.  I immediately saw the Grace in this because we had performed a blessing on the land and the home as the construction moved forward. Our grandchildren had written messages of love to us on all of the boards of the framing that could be reached. I had written angelic messages everywhere.
     Even though we had kept close watch on the house, we didn’t know how to look for structural problems, but it seems that God did.  Clearly, our prayers had been heard.
Later, the inspector told us that the walls and ceilings would have started falling in if the house had been completed with these structural deficiencies.
     I processed all this with Paul and it became clear to me that this project was a metaphor for my life.  My own internal structure and support system was inadequate.  I was not building on solid ground. I had a belief buried inside that said “who I am is not good enough.”  That belief led to my hiring a contractor who constructed a house that was not good enough.
     My grandfather was a master builder who abused his wife and abandoned his seven children.  I guess it isn’t surprising that I attracted these troublesome builders into my life.  I needed to heal something old, something that had been dysfunctional for several generations. I needed to learn to stand up for myself and say no to abuse and these men were giving me the opportunity to do so. I am grateful that the power of my desire to heal drew this lesson to me.
     Making a commitment to become a part of the Spiritual Mastery program helped me to solidify my commitment to myself. It gave me the emotional support system I needed for my spiritual growth.  It helped me to begin building my life on a new foundation and the results have begun  to show.
       First, we attracted a new builder who reflected this shift in my consciousness.
He was a business person with an open heart. He encouraged me to speak up and ask for what I wanted and needed and not to worry about it. Everyone who has been working on the house now carries a new and loving energy. They have all expressed that it is a pleasure to be completing this project and that our satisfaction is their thanks.
     Opening my heart to love and respect myself, to listen to my guidance, to speak up and ask for what I want, and to trust in the goodness and grace of God is the true foundation that I stand on today. The former foundation of my life was shaky and insufficient to support my life. But now, with the truth in place and love in my heart, I am standing on solid ground.
     There is an old Negro spiritual that says "Lord, I know I been changed, I know I been changed, cause the angels in heaven done signed my name." I knew this was true for me one day when my son gave me the greatest compliment that anyone could ever give me. He said "Mom, it's like you're a different person. You used to raise a lot of hell."
     I said “Thank you, son. I am a different person." For the first time I am living my life, instead of letting my pain live me. 
     You can do the same.  See you in July in Connecticut!