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Eighteen months later, I continue to sharpen my awareness around when to ask that question of myself. Of course, when I am remembering to love myself, there's no need to ask. Life just feels good! It's when pain and shame show up - and they do as sure as the sun rises and sets -that my spiritual practice makes a difference. As a solo seeker, it's not easy to show up for my spiritual practice. However, I have grown in confidence and commitment to my practice through the support of my spiritual community. My fellow students in this program continually support me in remembering the love and light I AM. Through their loving support, I have learned to bring love to myself.
In my life there are two main areas of focus: my relationship with my husband of 26 years and my relationship with my two young kids, both of whom were invitro babies (after 16 years of infertility issues). Their behavior can be both subtle and extreme. In one moment I feel the connection, the respect, the love; in the next moment, I feel significantly challenged.. Yet it's been a long time since I've been a screaming banshee. Still, the memory of dropping them at school and driving away in tears feeling deep shame over my lousy mothering is not forgotten.
The truth is that my parenting has greatly improved as I have begun to master the practice of holding myself gently and with love, even in my shame and times of meltdown. I'm getting better at not beating myself up for not measuring up and this new way of being has drastically shifted who I am for my kids.
In fact I've added a morning mantra I share with my children on a daily basis; "Be kind to everyone and start with yourself." In sharing my practice with them, it seems that they too are beginning to show up differently. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just making it up, but it feels like they are being kinder and more helpful to one another, teasing and bickering less, being more respectful and more loving, both physically and verbally. I feel this overwhelming sense of connectedness with them. The intensity of love and gratitude in our lives is definitely up a notch, and then some.
And then there is my relationship with my husband. This is scary to me to write about. But I know that I am not the only woman who has these challenges.
It seems that I was born to be a "seeker." Although that which I seek is within me, and always has been, I've gone down a plethora of pearly paths -- all of them valid - during the course of my journey. Every one of these paths seems to have driven my husband nuts. To say the least, he hasn't always valued or validated my search for truth.
Today, because of my participation in this supportive spiritual community, I don't need to look to him for as much validation. I have the support of many other students and they help me to remember that I am a blazing light, a force of love and healing. Moreover, as I have learned to believe in myself, I think it has been easier for my husband to understand my journey and take it seriously.
Of course, at times I can be my own worst enemy in blowing out my light. But my mate has even more expertise in the matter. Our challenge is to learn to bring up the shadowy material and to hold it gently. We know that if we don't it will overwhelm us and eat away at the bedrock of our relationship. We are both scared. We are both trying to find a way to make it all work.
My husband does not easily seek guidance and support. It has been hard for me to see that he cannot embrace this emotional healing work the way I do. His is more an intellectual path. Yet I see that he is trying in his own way to gain insight into himself.
Recently I have clearly communicated to him about the possible outcomes for our future. I have said to him "Right now I am stepping up to be who I was created to be. Once the kids are gone, what is it we share? What is it we have in common? How will we make a difference on this planet? "
We haven't answered these questions yet. But the Mastery program has given me the support I needed to speak my truth to my husband. We have used the Affinity Process to communicate and I feel that I have been profoundly heard. Indeed, there was no "defend" from him once I spoke my true heart around the future of our partnership.
Paul has said when we commit to our spiritual path, we become increasingly authentic and our partners are challenged to do the same. Hopefully we learn to be open and honest with each other. We learn to speak our truth without shame or blame. This allows greater intimacy to occur in the relationship. As a result, our marriage can be renewed., or reborn in spirit.
Some of this is happening for me and my husband. We go deeper. We become more authentic. But then we get scared and we repel. As I am a work in progress, so is my relationship. I do not know how all this will resolve itself. For now, all I can do is speak my truth and keep looking in the mirror my relationship holds for me.
That, I must continue to remember, is where the real work is. We don't always know the outcome. We can't see where we will be in a year or in five years. But we don't have to know. We just need to show up today and do the best that we can.
I used to feel that my best was not good enough. Thanks to this program, I know that it is good enough. It is, in fact, exactly what the universe is asking from me!
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