Eight years ago, my second husband Don whom I had known for less than 2 years died of lung cancer. For the third time in my life, a significant man in my life had “left” me. First, my father left me when I was seven-years-old. Later a 14 year marriage ended in divorce. And now…I was alone again and the gaping hole I had attempted to fill with “love outside myself” – and food—felt deeper than ever.
     All my life books have been my greatest “friends.” Whenever I have found myself in a crisis situation, I have headed for the nearest bookstore. I have read every book there is on divorce, and grief, and compulsive eating …I have my own “self-help” library.
     A while after Don died, I found myself once again in the bookstore searching for some book to “make me feel better.” All my life when I am ready “the teacher comes” very often in book form. That day the spine of a book leapt out at me. The book was Love Without Conditions. As someone, who grew up in a fundamentalist Southern Baptist home, the words were radical. At the same time, they felt so true. As I read the words, my perception of who I was slowly began to change. I began to believe that maybe I wasn’t as worthless and unlovable as I had come to believe. Maybe…just maybe…I could find the way to fill that empty hole myself. After that, I read the rest of the “Christ consciousness” books and many of Paul’s other books. One day I decided to check out his web site. On the site there was a message inviting anyone who resonated with the words to join him…to attend one of his retreats. I felt something as I read the words…a warmth…a tingling…that I really didn’t understand.
     That day, I signed up for next retreat. Attending that retreat in March 2005 was a life-changing event for me. For the first time in my life I experienced an affinity group. For the first time in my life I experienced unconditional love and non-judgment in a group of people who were just moments before…strangers to me. When the retreat was over, I found it very hard to “go home again.” There was no turning back for me. As a Spiritual Mastery student, I have grown more in one year than I could ever have dreamed possible.
     I have begun to work through so many issues…uncovering the layers of feelings and pain that I have stuffed away for many years. I am learning to acknowledge my fears and to hold them in non-judgment. I am learning that it is OK if I am not perfect…that there is “perfection in imperfection.” I am learning that all I need is truly within me. I am finally learning to bring love to myself.
     And I believe that I am in the midst of healing that “thorn” in my flesh …my addiction to food…that has plagued me as long as I can remember. The process is not easy…it takes great courage for all of us to grow out of the deep muck below into the beautiful lotus blossoms that we really are. I am so grateful for everything that has happened in my life to lead me to where I am today.